Dear Readers,
Below is an edited comment written by an anonymous reader of this website.. Read this very positive comment in black type, then my response below in red type. Thank you “anonymous” for the compliments, but there is a bit more you need to understand. ABC
I was accused several times a day of wasting his money and being unproductive after months of this the attacks escalated to insults, mocking, his favorite insult was the slang word for the female reproductive organ ( the P word)!!!! . after almost a year of this, I was losing weight, losing sleep and losing my mind!!!.
I may have unknowingly called him to task ( this is before I found your site and realized exactly what was happening) I went in and said to him ” if I’m not making you any money why do you keep me here???” and guess what, he had no answer!!!! now the attacks have stopped since he gets NO reaction from me(something I learned thanks to ABC’s website!!) I now realize that I am good at what I do, if I were not he would fire me. so anyone who is being bullied at work keep your head up and press on, there is hope!! my boss is the owner of the company, there is nobody above him but by following what I learned on this site I was able to stop the bullying!!! thank you for enlightening me ABC, you truly are a an answered prayer.
-ABC’s reply to Anonymous-
Dear Anonymous,
Thank you for the compliments. Knowledge is power as they say and many targets see improvements in their situations once they gain an understanding of the workplace bullying and mobbing phenomenon.
Understanding that targets are chosen by bullies because of their positive attributes which bullies perceive as threatening, is a relief to know alone. Then, experiencing results by “not reacting” to bullying behavior, gives a target the false impression that they have this problem licked. But not so fast, it’s time to take pause, and learn a bit more.
Once a bully, always a bully. Although bullies may have periods in which they take extra care to suppress their bullying behavior, they are still bullies and will always feel compelled to behave like bullies.
Once a target always a target. Although the bully may back off and choose another target, your positive attributes are something that will continue to be very irritating to the bully. It is important to know that even if your bully stops bullying you, you will always be vulnerable for a second strike by this same bully sometime in the future.
Always watch your back, and never trust this bully again. It is hard for some targets to truly understand how likely it is that their bully may strike again. Being back in the fold of their bully’s good graces, and again being included and spoken to by coworkers, feels so good. The longer the bully backs off, the more confident the target feels, that all is well. Their perception of the now past bullying and mobbing campaign, seems almost unreal. The target may think that this past episode was just a phase, or something they exaggerated in their mind.
Think again! I am experiencing a second strike myself right now, after being essentially bully free for several months. This is something I knew would happen, although the longer I was bully free, the easier it was for me to begin to doubt my perceptions.
Simply trying to correct my bully boss’s incorrect understanding about a detail of the process and flow of our work, was enough to put me back into primary target mode.
Once again, my bully boss and her little mob resumed all of their bullying and mobbing tactics leaving me singled out, isolated and emotionally and physically devastated.
Don’t kid yourself! If your bully boss should back off, chances are it will not last. Take this time to make as much money as you can while you find another job with a boss who will treat you with the respect that you deserve.
ABC
Filed under: 1. WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW / INFORMATION, Reader Stops Bullying. Uses ABC's Advice.
After two years of bullying, and losing my job, I went to the board of the organization. Within two weeks he was fired. I wish I had gone sooner, years sooner. But, he is not supervising my great co-workers, that feels good.
g.olson16@yahoo.com, on August 20th, 2009 at 9:34 pm Said
A Bully allways finds a new target.
problem is, they never forget the old ones!
I am still at work, finding this site really helped.
I was getting seriously bullied and harassed by my supervisor. (Also the wife of the vice president, so…she is not going anywhere) It came to the point that I did not care anymore if I got fired or not and went to the president of the company. Told him as much, with the details of my supervisor behavior. And copies of some of the articles on this site.
After that event things cool down for a while w/her just giving mostly a steady daily stream of cold hostility.
Still every so often when she needs to take her hanger or issues out on someone she seeks me out for put downs, nonsensical reprimand and general negative remarks.
This will never change, except in intensity.
My job would be fine except for her and some of her mobbing scion.
Would love nothing more than paid unemployment. I am partially worried that if I do get layed off she will lie to deny that as well.
Hate my job.
i am the victim of a bully boss, and have been a target for about 10 months. In 3 years this man has ended funding for 2 positions, gotten rid of another employee, and now is after me. After 7 months of sometimes overt, sometimes subtle attacks from him, I had to take 3 months off because i had begun having panic attacks, general anxiety and depression. I am a normal, well adjusted person with 13 years in a job that i absolutely have loved until now. I’m also good at my job and have never had a boss criticise me like this. To cope with this I’m now taking anti-depressants and using sleeping pills. At some point we have to ask what it’s worth to our health to stay in a job. This man has absolutely taken me down in a way i would’ve never believed possible.
your site and the information i have found in the past month have helped more than you would ever believe! I finally have been able to name what has happened to me, am understanding that i didn’t invite this situation and am not at fault. I’m also not crazy!
My bully boss is a pastor. my experience has so closely mirrored what you have described with a serial target bully boss that it’s unbelievable.
I have returned to work and things are slightly better for the moment. He wants us to meet with a counselor to try to “learn to communicate better.” I’m afraid he wants to do this just to hammer on me more, but i don’t have much of a choice in it unless i quit.
I went to the chair of our personnel committee and he told me i had to work it out with the pastor. Even though this personnel committee has been flooded with complaints about this man, they are acting like it is up to me to work it out. What I know understand is that this boss thrives on conflict and if there isn’t any, he creates it. I will hang in there as long as i can, knowing that if it gets worse i will simply have to leave.
Just want you to know how much i appreciate your site.
Dear Madagascar,
It is very nice to hear from you again. You don’t sound as upbeat as you did in your last comment which isn’t surprising. Many targets experience mood swings with fluctuations in their perspective and ability to cope. Having an understanding of the workplace bullying and mobbing phenomenon helps, but it doesn’t eliminate the problem, remove the pain, nor protect you from suddenly losing your job at the hands of the bully. It also is not unusual that your bully boss is a pastor. I have read many target accounts in which the bully was a pastor. I am very concerned that meeting with a counselor that your bully boss has chosen, means BIG trouble. Bullies have no interest in resolving issues. Knowing this, leads me to the conclusion that It is very likely that this counselor is either a bully themselves or part of this pastor’s circle of supporters, referred to as the bully’s “mob” in anti-bullying literature. This is a very interesting tactic of your bully boss for sure. By doing this, he is making it appear as though he is making an effort to resolve issues with you, while in reality it is very likely that this counselor will help the bully boss take you down! Your situation is not likely to improve and I think it best that you move on to other employment options as quickly as possible. I hope you find the job of your dreams and will pray that you do. God bless you, ABC
Dear ABC, there may be someone else using the same screen name – Sept 25 was the first time I’d commented on your site.
no more has been said about finding a “counselor” but I will only agree to do it if it truly is a professional in counseling. I may suggest that we each meet separately with the counselor first. I don’t know and am taking it one day at a time.
I agree with you, he is doing this to make it appear that he is trying to resolve issues with me, but I have learned that it isn’t possible to be in harmony with this man. He seems to thrive on the conflict and if there isn’t any, he creates it.
At a recent staff meeting, for the first time ever (in his 3.5 years) I witnessed him disagree with a member of his mob. Made me wonder if he is moving on to her as his next target.
i do appreciate your stories & wisdom. God bless you for having the strength to share. It truly has been a turning point for me to have found your site. Guess what? I’m not crazy and this isn’t my fault! I have reduced dosages in both the antidepressant and the sleeping pills to 1/2 of a usual minimum dose and am feeling on my way to healing.
at the same time, I’m watching him and expecting he will get me again.
sigh.
thanks!