Reader Stops Bullying, Uses ABC’s Advice.


Dear Readers,

Below is an edited comment written by an anonymous  reader of this website..  Read this very positive comment in black type, then my response below in red type. Thank you “anonymous” for the compliments, but there is a bit more you need to understand. ABC

I was accused several times a day of wasting his money and being unproductive after months of this the attacks escalated to insults, mocking, his favorite insult was the slang word for the female reproductive organ ( the P word)!!!! . after almost a year of this, I was losing weight, losing sleep and losing my mind!!!.
I may have unknowingly called him to task ( this is before I found your site and realized exactly what was happening) I went in and said to him ” if I’m not making you any money why do you keep me here???” and guess what, he had no answer!!!! now the attacks have stopped since he gets NO reaction from me(something I learned thanks to ABC’s website!!) I now realize that I am good at what I do, if I were not he would fire me. so anyone who is being bullied at work keep your head up and press on, there is hope!! my boss is the owner of the company, there is nobody above him but by following what I learned on this site I was able to stop the bullying!!! thank you for enlightening me ABC, you truly are a an answered prayer.

-ABC’s reply to Anonymous-

Dear Anonymous,

Thank you for the compliments.  Knowledge is power as they say and many targets see improvements in their situations once they gain an understanding of the workplace bullying and mobbing phenomenon.

Understanding that targets are chosen by bullies because of their positive attributes which bullies perceive as threatening, is a relief to know alone.  Then, experiencing results by “not reacting” to bullying behavior, gives a target the false impression that they have this problem licked.  But not so fast, it’s time to take pause, and learn a bit more.

Once a bully, always a bully.  Although bullies may have periods in which they take extra care to suppress their bullying behavior, they are still bullies and will always feel compelled to behave like bullies.

Once a target always a target.  Although the bully may back off and choose another target, your positive attributes are something that will continue to be very irritating to the bully.  It is important to know that even if your bully stops bullying you, you will always be vulnerable for a second strike by this same bully sometime in the future.

Always watch your back, and never trust this bully again.  It is hard for some targets to truly understand how likely it is that their bully may strike again.  Being back in the fold of their bully’s good graces, and again being included and spoken to by coworkers, feels so good.  The longer the bully backs off, the more confident the target feels, that all is well.  Their perception of the now past bullying and mobbing campaign, seems almost unreal.  The target  may think that this past episode was just a phase, or something they exaggerated in their mind.

Think again!  I am experiencing a second strike myself right now, after being essentially bully free for several months.   This is something I knew would happen, although the longer I was bully free, the easier it was for me to begin to doubt my perceptions.

Simply trying to correct my bully boss’s incorrect understanding about a detail of the process and flow of our work, was enough to put me back into primary target mode.

Once again, my bully boss and her little mob resumed all of their bullying and mobbing tactics leaving me singled out, isolated and emotionally and physically devastated.

Don’t kid yourself!  If your bully boss should back off, chances are it will not last.   Take this time to make as much money as you can while you find another job with a boss who will treat you with the respect that you deserve.

ABC

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9 Responses

  1. After two years of bullying, and losing my job, I went to the board of the organization. Within two weeks he was fired. I wish I had gone sooner, years sooner. But, he is not supervising my great co-workers, that feels good.

    g.olson16@yahoo.com, on August 20th, 2009 at 9:34 pm Said

    A Bully allways finds a new target.
    problem is, they never forget the old ones!

    Like

  2. I am still at work, finding this site really helped.
    I was getting seriously bullied and harassed by my supervisor. (Also the wife of the vice president, so…she is not going anywhere) It came to the point that I did not care anymore if I got fired or not and went to the president of the company. Told him as much, with the details of my supervisor behavior. And copies of some of the articles on this site.
    After that event things cool down for a while w/her just giving mostly a steady daily stream of cold hostility.
    Still every so often when she needs to take her hanger or issues out on someone she seeks me out for put downs, nonsensical reprimand and general negative remarks.
    This will never change, except in intensity.
    My job would be fine except for her and some of her mobbing scion.

    Would love nothing more than paid unemployment. I am partially worried that if I do get layed off she will lie to deny that as well.
    Hate my job.

    Like

  3. i am the victim of a bully boss, and have been a target for about 10 months. In 3 years this man has ended funding for 2 positions, gotten rid of another employee, and now is after me. After 7 months of sometimes overt, sometimes subtle attacks from him, I had to take 3 months off because i had begun having panic attacks, general anxiety and depression. I am a normal, well adjusted person with 13 years in a job that i absolutely have loved until now. I’m also good at my job and have never had a boss criticise me like this. To cope with this I’m now taking anti-depressants and using sleeping pills. At some point we have to ask what it’s worth to our health to stay in a job. This man has absolutely taken me down in a way i would’ve never believed possible.

    your site and the information i have found in the past month have helped more than you would ever believe! I finally have been able to name what has happened to me, am understanding that i didn’t invite this situation and am not at fault. I’m also not crazy!

    My bully boss is a pastor. my experience has so closely mirrored what you have described with a serial target bully boss that it’s unbelievable.

    I have returned to work and things are slightly better for the moment. He wants us to meet with a counselor to try to “learn to communicate better.” I’m afraid he wants to do this just to hammer on me more, but i don’t have much of a choice in it unless i quit.

    I went to the chair of our personnel committee and he told me i had to work it out with the pastor. Even though this personnel committee has been flooded with complaints about this man, they are acting like it is up to me to work it out. What I know understand is that this boss thrives on conflict and if there isn’t any, he creates it. I will hang in there as long as i can, knowing that if it gets worse i will simply have to leave.

    Just want you to know how much i appreciate your site.

    Like

  4. Dear Madagascar,
    It is very nice to hear from you again. You don’t sound as upbeat as you did in your last comment which isn’t surprising. Many targets experience mood swings with fluctuations in their perspective and ability to cope. Having an understanding of the workplace bullying and mobbing phenomenon helps, but it doesn’t eliminate the problem, remove the pain, nor protect you from suddenly losing your job at the hands of the bully. It also is not unusual that your bully boss is a pastor. I have read many target accounts in which the bully was a pastor. I am very concerned that meeting with a counselor that your bully boss has chosen, means BIG trouble. Bullies have no interest in resolving issues. Knowing this, leads me to the conclusion that It is very likely that this counselor is either a bully themselves or part of this pastor’s circle of supporters, referred to as the bully’s “mob” in anti-bullying literature. This is a very interesting tactic of your bully boss for sure. By doing this, he is making it appear as though he is making an effort to resolve issues with you, while in reality it is very likely that this counselor will help the bully boss take you down! Your situation is not likely to improve and I think it best that you move on to other employment options as quickly as possible. I hope you find the job of your dreams and will pray that you do. God bless you, ABC

    Like

  5. Dear ABC, there may be someone else using the same screen name – Sept 25 was the first time I’d commented on your site.

    no more has been said about finding a “counselor” but I will only agree to do it if it truly is a professional in counseling. I may suggest that we each meet separately with the counselor first. I don’t know and am taking it one day at a time.

    I agree with you, he is doing this to make it appear that he is trying to resolve issues with me, but I have learned that it isn’t possible to be in harmony with this man. He seems to thrive on the conflict and if there isn’t any, he creates it.

    At a recent staff meeting, for the first time ever (in his 3.5 years) I witnessed him disagree with a member of his mob. Made me wonder if he is moving on to her as his next target.

    i do appreciate your stories & wisdom. God bless you for having the strength to share. It truly has been a turning point for me to have found your site. Guess what? I’m not crazy and this isn’t my fault! I have reduced dosages in both the antidepressant and the sleeping pills to 1/2 of a usual minimum dose and am feeling on my way to healing.

    at the same time, I’m watching him and expecting he will get me again.

    sigh.

    thanks!

    Like

  6. These bullies are cold hearted losers. They have no human values and are products of disfunctional families. ( Father a drunkard and mother a whore, and he came up manipulating more and more types !!!!!!!!)
    No one on earth can change them, but it takes ONLY CAREFUL ANALYZING their fears, weaknesses and KEY charactertstics, THINKING, PLANNING AND ACTIONING TO DESTROY THEM AND THEIR ALLIES. Remember they do not act on their own or alone, they have higher ups and bosses who support them OF COURSE for their sinister gains and games.

    The steps to follow are simply, need a lot of thought BUT then very effective and DEVASTATING……. to their END.

    contact me on email iko505@gmail.com foe a FREE defense plan that will have their ancestors tossing in their graves and compel the bullies and their supporters Wishing their mothers had better remained Virgins………..

    Like

  7. The descriptions of bully boss characteristics are astounding.
    I have worked at a dysfunctional company for eight years and feel like I have Stockholm syndrome between attacks…hoping to be in there good graces and even feeling sympathetic toward them. The owner and two other managers are closet and overt bully types. We have no one to turn to when the abuse begins. I am so exhausted when the abuse stops that I actually feel emotionally numb – sometimes, I convince myself that I enjoy my job. I feel like I have lost years of my life because the anxiety encroaches on my personal time. I have no college degree – so I lack confidence to make a change. How can I find the courage to seek another position?

    Like

  8. True target, I read your post and it makes me want to weep. Unless one has gone through this, one has no idea what is happening and why. I am just figuing all of this out after a career of over 25 years. The pattern has repeated itself to one degree or another for my entire career. I am stunned and embarrased to admit that, but it is true.
    I hate to have to leave my current job – a very well-regarded organization run by a diabolical but VERY well-respected and high profile ED – but I find I have no choice. I will NOT allow myself to be victimized like this again and you shouldn’t either.
    In my last job, I ended up in the hospital with an anxiety attack so significant that I and my docotor thought I had a heart attack. Fortunately, after a full night of heart monitoring and a stress test the next day, we figured out it was anxiety and a panic attack. But I let it go too far and the job was killing me.
    Gather yourself up and realize that you have a better chance of finding work and replacing your income than someone who is college educated, with years of experience. I am in a position that I can’t afford to be without work or work for less unless we make some drastic lifestyle changes.
    Go forward with confidence. You can do what you need to do to get out and be happy.

    Like

  9. I empathise with all the comments above and I am convinced there is a way of dealing with these situations only I haven’t found it yet, but surely between us we can think of something?

    I used to love my job until ‘Bully Boy’ joined the company and turned the positive atmosphere of a tightly-knit, well established team into a cauldron of simmering malevolence practically overnight. BB is so clever that he is able to cause great mental harm and stress to his target (don’t let’s use the word victim) in a room full of people and yet only the target knows what he’s doing. Yet BB is a great guy – he’s everyone best friend (until its their turn that is) and nobody seems to realise that he’s systematically and methodically getting rid of everyone in his path whom he sees as a threat to his next career move. It’s almost like watching a master at work if it wasn’t so horrible – like pulling the wings off a fly slowly. A word here, a half sentence there and after a few weeks another person is assassinated and all their past integrity forgotten by the mob. I’ve heard him say something cruel, cutting and untrue about a person to their manager and yet make it sound like a sympathetic and positive comment that binds him favourably to the manager.

    I am a survivor – for now but I know he will come for me again; I can see it in his eyes while he’s saying fawning and over-flattering comments to me for others to hear. While he’s busy demonstrating what a kind affable team player he is, I know that another colleague is taking a a mental pounding and likely to be fired soon. I hate myself and am just glad it’s not me.

    Snake in the grass? He’s a python in a business suit mesmerising his prey. He’s unstoppable. In less than three years he’s managed to get rid of six people, two of whom were more senior than him. Nobody else seems to be following his career and sees what he’s doing. My only hope is that he picks on the wrong person and gets his comeuppance, but that seems very unlikely.

    Ideally I would like him to leave the same way he arrived, ie. walk out the door and never come back. I’m sure everyone on this website feels the same way about their office bullies.

    How can we achieve this in a humane way? We have to get control of the board by changing our tactics. One thing we cannot do is to beat him at his own game, Somehow we have to take all the emotion out of it and look at the situation in a cold and tactical way.

    Any ideas? Perhaps we could do a little research and find out what happened to make them leave their last job. It’s true that Leopards don’t change their spots ….

    Like

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