Tactics Of A Workplace Serial Bully Boss
By ABC
Some bully bosses have no shame and make no effort to hide their bullying behaviors. These are the screamers, ranters and ravers. They may have tantrums, throw things, pound on desks and fire subordinates on a whim. Often they remain in their position because there is no one in a higher position in which to take them down. These are the CEOs of both small and large companies or owners of small businesses. A frequent example is a physician’s or a dentist’s practice in which the doctor bullies his receptionists, nurses, billing clerks, and even the cleaning crew. Most people would agree that people who behave this way are “bullies”.
Then there is another type of bully boss which most people would not even perceive as a bully. The “closet” bully boss is actually much more prevalent and more dangerous than the ranter or raver described above. This type of bully boss is very cleaver in their ability to hide their bullying behaviors and to manipulate the perception of bystanders against the “target”. Most bullies possess excellent emotional intelligence. The thing that needs to be kept in mind is that true “psycho bullies” are motivated in ways that normal people do not understand. Bullies use their emotional intelligence to cause conflict intentionally. They are not interested in building positive relationships, only ones they can manipulate. Much of their bullying behavior is premeditated. They do not possess empathy.
Closet bully bosses are often also “serial bullies” who choose one target at a time. One study showed that after successfully eliminating a target, they chose another target within two weeks. These bully bosses are capable of behaving normally towards all other subordinates and will even behave normally towards the target, whenever there are witnesses. This method serves the bully boss well, making it difficult for others to believe a target. Often, only the bully boss and the target know the true nature of the bully.
Simply stated, “targets” are good at their jobs and therefore cannot be taken down based on poor job performance. Therefore bullies rely on character assassination, twisted, half or outright lies, rumors and innuendo to subjugate or eliminate their target. Read my article “proud to be a target” to understand how bullies choose their targets.
At the beginning of a bullying campaign the target may actually feel favored by the bully boss. The bully boss often befriends their target at first. The target begins to trust the bully boss and may share information about their weaknesses that the bully boss then uses against the target. After the bully boss gains useful information about the target, the bully may try a few “pass-by nibbles” (read the article about pass-by nibbles, on this blog) to test the targets reaction. Then a full blown bullying campaign begins.
In my first emotional assault, my bully called me into a meeting with her and a Human Resource Rep to “discuss my needs”, only to reprimand me for “intimidation of subordinates”, a grossly twisted, half truth. My bully boss knows how strongly I feel about treating everyone, especially subordinates, respectfully. Knowing this about me, she knew it would be especially hurtful to accuse me of just that. It upset me horribly and I couldn’t stop crying at my desk for most of that day.
This reprimand happened behind closed doors. I was warned not to discuss it with coworkers. My coworkers didn’t hear my boss’s lies or hear her calling me a liar. They didn’t see her disrespect me as she rolled her eyes and clicked her tongue at my responses. They only knew I was reprimanded so severely I cried all day. Bullies delight in observing the pain and chaos they have caused and marvel at their ability to get away with it. Next comes the “mental health card”.
After the Bully boss’s first emotional assault the target reacts emotionally as I did. The bully boss then manipulates the target’s coworkers into feeling privileged to be in her confidence. The bully then feigning concern for the target tells of half or twisted truths, placing the targets mental health, competence and/or loyalty into question. It is often what the bully doesn’t say that causes the most damage. For example: The bully boss brings coworkers into her privileged confidence. The bully then cites a half or twisted truths about the target or will imply that the target caused the bully some kind of deep hurt. The bully then mimicking deep hurt or confidentiality concerns, refuses to share details, leaving everything to the imagination. It must be remembered that they are “masters of deception” and can easily convince others of the target’s negative attributes and how the target has caused them personal concern or injury of some kind. They can be so convincing, some convince themselves into believing the lies that they themselves have fabricated.
Coworkers feeling privileged to be of assistance to their deeply hurt boss will do anything the bully boss asks. This is called “mobbing”.
A full blown bullying and mobbing campaign could be a very critical period for the target who has no understanding of the “bullying and mobbing phenomenon”. Targets who are typically good performers and well liked by coworkers are stunned by the first emotional assault, which is often the first reprimand in their careers. They become obsessed trying to understand why first their boss, then their coworkers turned against them, when there is no valid reason at all!
Suddenly the target’s world is a different place, for reasons they don’t understand. Most targets have enjoyed decades of appreciated successes on their jobs, only to be left in isolated despair. Most targets are forced out of their positions within two years of a bullying and mobbing campaign. Forced out by being fired, resigning, becoming ill, committing suicide or going postal!
All of this could be avoided if every working person had a knowledge of “workplace bullying and mobbing”. If this is the first time you have heard of it, learn more about it today. Who knows, you might be the serial bullys’ next target. Hopefully, someday, every working person will learn to Recognize it, Name it and End workplace bullying and mobbing together! ABC
Filed under: 1. WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW / INFORMATION, 2. Tactics of a Workplace Serial Bully Boss | Tagged: bullying tactics, charachter assassination, closet bully, emotional intelligence, half-truths, lies, serial bully, tactics of a workplace bully
Excellent article. This describes my serial boss to an absolute T. Her tactics were the same as those listed above, though to be honest, I never trusted her from the start. I knew she would experience perverse gratification if I cried so I was very careful not to do that in front of her. She knew I was onto her but she was so desperate for that ‘bully-high’ that she sometimes couldn’t even wait for the mobbing to finish before she would literally rush at me with a malignant grin on her face – one time she actually tried to sit on me! Just nuts. I was working with a demon-possessed person. Her so-called supervisor, who depended on her expertise- she’d worked there for years and years– found it amusing. He had some serious ego problems, too. But if someone who was not her ally, (her allies, by the way, behaved like couriers towards Queen Elizabeth and competed to be her confidant) walked into our office, she went into normal mode and pretended that she and I got along well. I found myself increasingly isolated and she cunningly anticipated my every defense, even what I might be thinking to bolster myself up, and attempted to counteract that. None of this was job related either though I’m sure she pretended to others that it was at first to win them over. Later, she dropped that pretense; she and her allies just began to attack me in general, my hobbies and personal goals. I had no idea what mobbing and a serial sociopathic bully was when I came to work in this office. Everywhere else I’d worked, things and people, though not perfect, at least were normal and all my coworkers and bosses stood on their own two feet for the most part. But after about three years in this loonie-bin office and after seeing a counselor and a lawyer, I discovered bullyonline. org and finally found out what it was that I was really enduring.
I thank God I got away (and that involved a whole different story of abuse and game-playing but no time or space to tell all of it!). And months after I left, she and her secondary bullies would call my home phone and hang up. Judging by the kinds of Spam I get on my computer, I’m sure they’ve been submitting my email address to a number of companies so that I receive newsletters and ads that I’ never signed up for but all pertaining to topics that came up in that office. I’m female and personally, I think she’s a frustrated closet lesbian because she always seemed to target women, one at a time, long-term if possible, which I’ve read somewhere enables a bully to build up a dark familiarity and therefore even more gratifying psychological intimacy with a target . Sometimes she’d get mad at at someone else like a ‘normal’ person might but I realize now that that was just an act, too. Actually, she rewarded people who misbehaved at her behest.
It still astonishes me that so many people working there failed to see through her. I could at once. So its absolutely true when they say that one reason why a person becomes a target is because they see through the bully’s disguise.
Dear matildagsd,
Thanks for your insightful comments. After reading hundreds if not thousands of target accounts, I find it amazing how similar target stories are. That’s what makes it a predictable phenomenon case to case. COMMENTS ON THIS WEB SITE ARE WELCOME AND I HOPE OTHERS WRITE TO SHARE THEIR STORIES. LET’S END WORKPLACE BULLYING AND MOBBING TOGETHER! ABC
Thank you so much for this article. Just this past week, my boss, who has been with our organization for about 1 year, just subjected me to this. I had been her biggest supporter. After a meeting with some very high-level people, we all knew the meeting didn’t go very well. Suddenly, and with no warning, my boss attacked me in front of two of our interns, and the person I’m training to assume my current duties. The “rant” went on for about 50 minutes, and I was basically blamed for all the problems that I had tried to alert her to. Also, there were multiple problems because she and her other “high-level” people had not defined a very important part of a new process we were not ready to implement.
She brought me and one of the interns a rose the next day and said it was a “peace offering”. She gave a very weak apology, but essentially was still blaming me.
The day after that, she went to my close friend and co-worker to find out if I was upset or not. That indicates to me a guilty conscience. My friend indicated I was upset, and I was called into the Boss’ office and apologized to. I burst into tears, because I’ve always been the “star” employee. I’ve never had this type of thing happen before. I don’t care what she says, I believe this is just an attempt to undermine me, because I have expressed doubts as to what she is trying to implement. I think she’s trying to make me look like I’m the screw-up so she can have a scapegoat in place when her mess blows up in her face.
I’m currently scheduled to do a rotation through a different group in my organization beginning in a couple of weeks. I’m expected to return to work for her , but don’t feel good about it. Thank you so much for letting me vent here, and helping me to realize I’m not overdramatizing this situation.
C
Thank you so much for your article. I have been struggling to keep my head above water due to my boss who is manipulative, deceitful, and coniving. And although I have tried to complain, it seems like I am the crazy one. And as I grow ever more fragile, everyone thinks that I am losing it. It has been almost two years and I am taking this article to my boss’ boss. I have had enough and this article describes what is happening to me to the tee.
I am so glad that my articles validate what others are experiencing. The most amazing thing about workplace bullying and mobbing are the striking similarities case to case. I’ve said before that it’s like the bullies all went to the same bullying school to learn how to do it. Now that I know that I’m dealing with a predictable phenomenon, it’s so much easier to deal with. Learn all you can about workplace bullying and mobbing. Knowledge is power. Lets Recognize it, Name it, and End workplace bullying and mobbing together! ABC
Very accurate article. Somehow you have peered inside the toxic mind of a workplace bully, accurately described their strategies, and the perilous effects on upstanding targets. It is fascinating how bullying tactics are very similar among this group of tyrants. I suppose evil is an old profession. Please continue your very important work.
Thank you Kevin for your comments and support. I clicked on your name which brought me to your web site which tells about your company “The People Group”. I am very impressed by your web site, company and articles. For interested readers I copied the short discription from your site below. Readers who want to see Kevin’s site, just click on Kevin’s underlined name which is above his comment dated 5/29/08 above. I highly recommend his site to all my readers.
Discription of Kevin’s company and experience:
The People Group was founded by Kevin Kennemer, Tulsa, Oklahoma. Kevin has twenty years of valuable people practices experience and was formerly the chief human resource officer of an international energy company that rose from obscurity to #5 on Forbes list of largest privately held companies.
Thanks again Kevin, and keep up the good work. ABC
Sometime during the last 2 years, I declined a promotion due to the belief that I am not a “people-person” and that I belong more working with information and machines. Since then, my director seems to take every opportunity to attack my integrity and my abilities to do my job correctly. I have been at my job for over 20 years, and his belief that I am “inompetent” flies in the face of every other fact and observation held by my co-workers and my direct supervisor. Now since finding this website, I am wondering if I am the victim of workplace bullying. Are there any legal remedies for such treatment? If it clearly falls into the category of discrimination and is prohibited by federal and state laws, then my options are clear. But what if it doesn’t? There have been witnesses to this treatment, but the main witness is a manager who is a “self-proclaimed bully” in her own words. She makes no bones about being able to bully underlings into a state of terror and to being proud of it. I do not feel safe at my workplace any more and have started to search for another job. At 60, this is in itself, an intimidating situation fo me. I have to work until I am 66, as I am financially unable to retire before then. I love my job, but I hate my workplace. Does this make sense to anyone out there?
Dear Bonnie,
Your story, just like most everyone’s story who has written to me, is yet another example, of a classic case, of workplace bullying. The hallmarks in your case being; It doesn’t make sense! You’re a mature person who has been at your job for decades. You describe your job, as a job that you love. That everyone, with the exception of the “bully”, in your case your “director”, has a positive perception of your work performance including your coworkers and direct supervisor. You have something to lose. The bully must know how important this job is to you both emotionally and financially.
In the United States, workplace bullying is not illegal in itself. If it can be proven that the bullying is being perpetrated because of discrimination against an already legally protected class, then the bully is guilty of discrimination against that specific classification. For example; If a bully emotionally mistreats a subordinate because the subordinate is in a racial minority that the bully is prejudiced against, then the bully is guilty of racial discrimination. If the bully emotionally mistreats a subordinate for reasons unrelated to being a legally protected class (is not handicapped, is not homosexual, is not a pregnant women, is not a religious or racial minority etc. etc…) and when the behavior of the bully is not illegal, then there is no legal remedies. Examples being: Calling an African American, retarded employee, “a stupid nigger” would be considered discrimination. Calling this same person a “lazy slob” probably isn’t. It is not illegal to be rude and mean unless you’re rude and mean to a protected class and it can be proven that you are rude and mean because of that designation.
It is very hard for targets at this stage of the game to get a grip on reality. How, after all these years, can this person, your director, have such a different perspective? It doesn’t make sense as you asked, to both targets and to other people whom the target may confide in. It’s important for you to know that NOTHING at all has really changed at all. You are still the successful, reliable, valuable employee that you have always been. The only change is the perspective of your director, who’s perspective is based on NOTHING valid at all, other than his whim. Know in heart that you did nothing to cause this trouble on your job. In fact, it probably has more to do with all the positive things you do for your employer than not. There is lots of information on this web site as well as dozens of other anti-bullying web sites that explains what motivates bullies to choose specific targets. After reading this material, you’ll begin to feel “proud to be a target” which is the title of an article I wrote on the subject.
Now that you know about the bullying and mobbing phenomenon, and see the situation from a different perspective, it might be worth it to try to stick it out on the job that you love. Especially if your direct supervisor is supportive and has enough influence to protect you from this bully. If, on the other hand this bully has direct input into your performance evaluations and/or is a constant presence and source of aggravation to you on the job, your only choice may be to find better employment.
To learn more about anti-bullying efforts and legislation in the United States, click on the Workplace Bullying Institute’s link:
http://www.bullyinginstitute.org
It’s my hope that someday all working Americans will know enough about workplace bullying and mobbing to be able to Recognize it, and Name it, then, we can End it together! ABC
Thank you very much for this article. I was taken out by a bully boss within the federal government within 5 months of my transfer into the office. He assassinated my character and reputation and even interfered with me getting a job at the FBI after he threatened that he would do so. Needless to say, I did not get the job, because he planted a baseless reprimand in my personnel file very strategically for the FBI agent to see during my background investigation.
The reprimand was in retaliation of an EEO complaint and my whistle blowing involving an employee’s creating and storing correspondence containing the “N” word on the shared drive. Originally, he crafted a reprimand that accused me of creating the letter and planting it. Fortunate for me, a co-worker intervened and admitted that others had accessed it prior to my employ with the office. He then redrafted the reprimand to include additional false charges and issued it to me 9 days later, with the original date which he refused to change. The mere fact that the correspondence was offensive to me as an African American makes it prohibited in the federal sector. However, I was reprimanded and he protected the creator of the documents, inferring that there was no way that she could have created the documents because she was on bereavement leave, to make me appear unsympathetic due to the recent passing of the employee’s mother and accuse me of creating and planting the document myself to frame her, when the employee had actually created the document a year or so before. He refused to reprimand the employee, but reprimanded me, the only African American in the office. I don’t think his superiors know what he is capable of, but now I have several complaints that are ongoing against this individual. He is psycho, because he believes that me blowing the whistle on another employee was an “ambush”, and he vowed to get even. I guess he did, because after 24 years of employment with the federal government, I am sitting at home. I was constructively discharge by this bully. I believe that the day will come when he is exposed!
There needs to be a movement in the workplace against this type of abuse of authority. I am working every day on my case and will do my part in the struggles against bullying in the workplace.
God as my witness, I will fight through the proper channels to regain my reputation and character.
Thank you for the information found on this website. Early this week, I resigned from a director-level position at a mid-size software company after having turned from an unwitting little mobster who had begun to ask questions about the ethics of management behavior, to a full-blown target over the past 8 weeks. Nature of this bully boss is extremely manipulative and sexism was a factor (he is male, I am female). But that was just one of the ways he subtle demeaned and abused. After reading this article, I’m convinced the real issue was his manipulative, bully style.
HR was not my friend and my bosses boss also did not support me. Not knowing where to turn or who to trust, I spoke to two of my subordinates about my concerns of recent abusive behaviors, which made them uncomfortable and gave the bully an opportunity to get a full-scale mobbing underway.
On Monday, I was called into a senior executive’s office and with HR present, was advised there were two problems. Problem one was me and my unprofessionalism and lack of confidentiality in speaking with my subordinates, and problem two was alleged abuse by my boss, which I had yet to prove. To address problem one, they asked me to sign a performance development plan that detailed expected professionalism from me to avoid termination. To address problem two, they indicated they didn’t see any problem wtih the behaviors I’d explained and that if I had proof in email form, I could forward that to them for review.
I said I didn’t feel good about this solution and that there was another option. I could leave. They asked me why I wouldn’t want to resolve this peacefully instead and provide them with evidence for problem two so that they could address is. I said because when one sees themselves heading toward being a victim, one has the choice of staying on that path or getting off. I have no interest in remaining a victim and allowing it to get worse, just so I can prove it is true, particularly in an organization that doesn’t appear alarmed by the indications of poor conduct.
They asked me to go home and think about it for a day, come back Tuesday to address.
I went home and wrote them an email that I resign effective today. Within an hour, my access to company email, buildings, and voicemail was cut off.
Companies can become unwitting little mobsters. This is absolutely my experience, 100%. I am not perfect, it’s true. I did have some professionalism slips in all of this, both in being an unwitting little mobster and in being too honest with too many people about my experiences when they started to go south.
This article really, really helped me clear in my head why I ended up having to abruptly leave a job I was otherwise successful and satisfied with.
Thanks, and although I have learned from my bully boss, I vow never to become one.
After a terrible month with a new boss, I’ve stumbled across your website from a googlesearch. And how thankful I am that I did – you’ve just described his behaviour perfectly! He’s barely intereacted with me at all, but started a meeting (just him and me) by reprimanding me for sending him and HR an email, calling me abrasive, telling me I needed an attitude adjustment, and finishing my telling me I had no social skills! This from a man who walked out of the office without even saying goodbye or letting us know when he was going to be back in again.
Thank you for this site, I think it’s going to save my sanity.
—Response From ABC————————————
Dear Equationgirl,
Thanks for taking a moment to comment on my blog. Your response gives me hope that this blog is fulfilling the purpose that I pray for, that being; To educate others, especially new targets of workplace bullying and mobbing, about the phenomenon, and to support targets on their journey through this difficult challenge.
Learning about the phenomenon of workplace bullying and mobbing is an extremely important public health message especially in light of recent studies pointing to workplace abuse as a significant cause of successful adult suicides. The day I learned about workplace bullying and mobbing by coming across Tim Field’s web site “Bullyonline”, is the day my emotional and physical health was saved by the most important information I needed at that time. If I hadn’t come across this information I might have gone out of my mind by now and most certainly would have been bullied out of the job that I love and continue to work at despite the bully. So, read everything you can about the phenomenon of workplace bullying and mobbing and join your state’s BullyBuster group, an affiliate of The Workplace Bullying Institute, to support legislation against it. Lets learn to Recognize it, Name it and End Workplace Bullying and Mobbing Together! ABC-AntiBullyingCrusador
I wish I had read your article prior to resigning from the job that I truly loved. I let my boss, a woman with barely a vocational education and absolutely no managerial background, bully me into resigning back in June. Your article described exactly what she did – fail to manage, but succeed at incredible manipulation. She wouldn’t return my phonecalls or emails during the business day, but would call me after work hours or keep me after company functions to discuss how valuable she was to the company and how I was showing “diminished performance” – although I was outperforming all of my colleagues by huge percentages. I only worked “with” her 7 months, but it was the longest 7 months of my life. The long hours, hard work, extra mile and personal expense was met back at the end of May with a two-page diatribe of everything I was doing wrong. I’ll admit, I burst into tears in her office b/c it was just the two of us and I guess I knew I couldn’t win. I took exactly one week to contact my attorney and formulate my resignation to the corporate office. This woman is a detriment to the healthcare profession and to her employees, who still believe I was attempting to “take her job.” It’s sad that companies allow this type of behavior from individuals who are simply not qualified to even answer a phone! Thank you for your article! I now know that I was not a unique case!
Dear ABrown,
Oh dear Lord, it grieves me so much every time I read about another nurse, losing their job because of a workplace bully. But maybe this time, not all is lost. It is often the best, most competent nurses, that are taken down by these often incompetent, bully nurse managers. This type of bully, targets the best workers on the job, because their own feelings of incompetence are heightened in comparison to their better performing target.
Don’t feel bad about bursting into tears in front of the bully. I did too, and on more than one occasion. The last time this happened was just after I had denied the validity of unbelievable and outrageous allegations that my bully boss had made against me. I just couldn’t maintain my composure while hearing the HR Rep, who was there to support my bully boss, ask me in a shouting tone if I was calling my bully boss “a liar”. The truth to that question was most certainly “yes!”, but saying so would surely be my end. Being unable to shout back “yes!”, was replaced by my sobbing reply, “I can not answer that question?…sob,sob, sniffle, sniffle… finally continuing.. “answering that question would not be in my own best interest”…total breakdown into tears… This was not a voluntary reaction. It was the best reaction my emotionally shattered mind was capable of at that given time.
Anti-bullying literature repeatedly advises targets not to cry or to react emotionally to a bully’s tactics. I agree that maintaining your composure is always best when confronted by a bully, and whenever you have the emotional fortitude to do so. It must be remembered however, that bullies are very skilled at knowing precisely how to brutally emotionally abuse their targets. Before a bully begins to abuse their target, there is often a period of time in which the bully gets to know their target, initially seeming to favor someone they later abuse. This is when they learn their target’s weaknesses, their vulnerabilities and how best to push their buttons. It is a very normal reaction to cry, when confronted with the senseless lies and emotional battering of a workplace bully, which is especially confusing before gaining an understanding of what motivated the bully to turn against you. Know this, and don’t beat yourself up more, because of it. The suggestion that those who are physically battered should not cry, is never made, and rightly so, because it is a normal response. What people need to understand, is that it is just as painful to be emotionally battered, and it is just as normal to cry, when pain is inflicted in this way. It only demonstrates further, that workplace bullying and mobbing is a painful experience with devastating, emotional and physical health altering affects.
Once learning about the phenomenon of workplace bullying and mobbing, and understanding that they did nothing wrong to cause their workplace problems, many targets feel they may be able to handle the bully and return to the job that they love, and really never wanted to leave. I found this to be true in my case, and wonder if it might be true in yours. I once returned to my job one week after abruptly resigning and leaving my job in anger, during an unfair performance evaluation. Fifteen years later, with a different bully, I returned 3 months, after going on a medical leave of absence, that I initially had no intention of returning from. You have been absent from your job for only two months. Just long enough, for your above average performance, to be sorely missed by most everyone, with the likely exception of the bully and her supporteres. Especially with the crisis of the nursing shortage in this country, you’ll surely be welcomed back.
I even found it possible to continue working with the same work group that I left, under the management of the same bully bosses, in both cases. It soon became easy to not react to these bullys’ tactics, once seeing how well, not reacting really works. Neither of these bullies and your bully for sure, have valid performance issues in which they can fire you for, having always relied on personal insults, petty nitpicking, and exagerated conflicts with coworkers, in which to find fault with, and reprimand you for. In retrospect, it is unlikely that any of your bully boss’s complaints, were related to quality or quantity productivity expectations at all. I feel confident that this is likely the case in your situation, even though you didn’t mention this in your post. Workplace bullying and mobbing is a “phenomenon”, which makes it something that is very predictable, with individual target testimonies, often sharing unbelievably striking similarities, case to case.
The more you learn about workplace bullying and mobbing, and how you as an individual reacted and why, the easier it will be for you to get through this experience and respond in more advantageous ways. Choosing to return to a hostile workplace is not an easy choice. Make no mistake about it, nothing has changed your bully in the last two months. If you return, the bullying is likely to resume. The difference this time being, your new found knowledge and determination to NOT RREACT, which is very difficult, the first few times. Soon, often after the first time you fail to react to the bully’s tactics, you’ll notice your bully seems let down. Sometimes a bully may even seem a little afraid and cautious around you, being fearful about why, this time, you didn’t seem bothered. Your bully may be worried that you found legal or other support against her. Each time the bully carefully plans a bullying assault, which fails to elicit the expected troubled response from their target, the less motivated the bully becomes to plan their next assault. When a target can no longer be provoked to anger or tears, seems happy and to be living well in general, despite the bully’s best efforts to control, subjugate and eliminate them, it has been my experience, that the bully will eventually back off. Often, the bully will then choose another, easier, target to intentionally emotionally abuse, within two weeks of their final, unsucessful efforts against the current target. This is called a “serial bully boss”, when the bully boss can’t control their compulsion to repeat this pattern, of abusing the authority of their position, to intentionally control, subjugate and to eventually destroy and eliminate, the very best on their staff, whose mere presence, poses a threat that the bully cannot allow to continue. The threat that others, by the bases of comparison, will see the incompetence of the bully.
A target who the bully has backed off from, can then continue in their position like this indefinitely, for as long as there are no valid quality or quantity productivity issues and no real interpersonal problems with coworkers. However once chosen as a target, one will always be a target in the eyes of the bully, even one who has seemingly back off. A target should never let their guard down and will always be in the bully’s sight. The bully will take any real performance issues, should they occur, and use it against the target at the first opportunity available.
Fortunately, middle management nursing jobs in my area don’t seem very stable. Most middle managers only remain in their positions for a few years, either climbing the ladder further, or finding outside opportunities. I outlived my first bully when she climbed the ladder further, leaving subordinates to take her place. I expect to outlive my current bully as well, who is expected to announce her retirement any day now.
May we succeed by NOT REACTING, and by outliving our workplace bullies, while learning to recognize it, name it, and end work place bullying and mobbing together! ABC
My daughter and i were both working at a daycare here in jackson georgia where both the owner and his cousin director are both bullies.Shes a sociopath and I do belive he is also.They were heating their workers out of their money including myself by going back into the time clock and changing our time worked.Then they turn around and they turn what we really work to the tax dept.I was told I made too much money last year.The owner use to put cash in with my daughters checks as a bribe.he sleeps with some of his younger workers.He pays their rent and buys them things.The director lied to a man that sold us rainbow vacc about a co worker.She told this man over the phone that this co worker didn’t work at the daycare and she never excisted.We think she may have been trying to keep my daughter from getting a job.My daughter was bullied so bad by this director and this owner she quit last summer from there.
When we didn’t have hot water one time she tried to blame it on me.I was fired recently because she fail to send the housekeeper to the store on monday to get supplies.I was fired over milk.My co worker were fired the same day we both were denied our unemployeement.
I was taken advantage of in many ways by this woman with no heart.When my co workers step dad had died and her mom call the director would not transfer the calls to her.I had my cell phone on me at break and gave her the message.This story has so much more.
I have had the unfortunate experience to go from one bully employer to another. I am a physician and joined a group practice after leaving my residency. I saw the office manager (who is married to the boss) tear down one employee after another. Most people who would not be bullied left within 12 months. After 5 years of intermittent bullying I left for a more professional atmosphere. I was told I would regrete leaving. Unfortunately I have. The office I currently work in is owned by two women who are both bullies. One in particular started bullying a nurse who was hired by the other partner. The staff made the nurses life hell. I was the only one who stood up for her. Now the same partner is doing the same thing to me. I just can’t believe her behavior. She has said in front of me that the new nurse should not me trained by me because she wants her to learn how to do things the right way! It is completely embarrassing. I am a good physician and well liked by my patients. She also starts taking over management of patients without consulting me. She fails to return her pages and the answering service calls me with the phone calls on my day off. The nurse practioners have told me they do this to every new doctor who enters their practice and each one only lasts about 2 years at most. The problem is that I now need a good reference from a job and I dought that either one would supply one. I feel completely helpless.
Dear ABrown and Beth.. I’m so sorry to hear about your experiences. This article describes my boss to a tee. Unfortunately, I didn’t see his monster traits 3 years ago when I took this job. Back then, he was very communicative, open and buddy-buddy. I have many of the same problems you do- competent, kind, intelligent, professional… all of which intimidate my boss. Perhaps it’s comforting to know that despite our hard knocks, at least we’re beginning to understand the signs of these anti-social psychopaths better.
I’m beginning to get better at managing my bully boss. One, I don’t avoid him. I think there’s some wisdom and personal strength to be had in staying in front of the bully’s face. It sucks some of their power away. They want to make you huddle into the corner and cry. This action lets them know you’re not afraid of them. That said, it is sometimes very hard to do, especially if your boss embarrasses or criticizes you often. They lie, abstract and confuse because they’re trying to bring you down to their sad, depressed level. They are not happy and, misery loves company. Two, use the fact that your bully boss is so self-absorbed into their own world that, they’re not paying attention to yours. They only see you at work. Whatever else you let know about your person is entirely up to you. Bullies use isolation as their prime weopon against targets. Use it back on them. Isolate them from your friends and family. Don’t let them get any further into your personal life. If you need to isolate your personal life from your entire office, then do so. Three, realize there’s not a whole lot your can do to change the situation. Probably the best course of action is to start looking for another job. Now, some would say it’s best to stand and confront your bully. Not when the bully is your manager. You’re confrontation is not going to change them and, will insight their desire to take revenge on you. I love my current job today. I can’t stand the boss or the company. I’ve discovered that the bully mentality spans upward to several levels above my manager. Bad sign – time to go. There’s other good reasons for leaving the job. Consider what effects bullying is having on your physical health and emotional well-being. Consider too, what bullying is doing to your professional career. Many of my vendors and collegues are starting to notice a drop in my productivity and, increase irritability in me. Because they are caring people, they ask me why. I owe it to myself and them, NOT to remain in the company of my bully bossing organization.
I am not alone. My manager is a work place bully. She was, up to a year ago the asst. Manager and managed to push out our manager of 20 years. Ya, she is that good. In the past month, I leave the office crying on average twice a week, and I am not the only one, she is going at the current Asst. Manager. Problem? I made the mistake of going to the Asst. Manager who then went running to the manager, my belief was in hopes to have her in good graces, at least for a bit. Unfortunate as I was hoping between myself, the office supervisor and her, the asst. manager, we both could take her down. Last week she took me in her office, closed door of course, to berate me “for” my employee’s she said. I was told I can’t multi task, that I am an angry person etc etc, this went on for over an hour as I sat there crying. Yes, she did seem to enjoy it. then this morning I receive a 3 page e-mail, minutes from last weeks meeting. She told me, again in 3 pages with a font of “8″ of how aweful an employee I am. I have been doing my job for 30 years and NEVER received such a report in my life time. I was just blown away. Then I came across this web site and finally I feel amoungst friends. I so don’t want to go into work tomorrow and I did tell my husband I feel as if I am going to be fired, actually I told him that before I received this e-mail. NOW he believes me. We are collecting my e-mails, which for the past 1 1/2 years I have been saving. Alot of which she put down on the 3 pages are refuted by what she e-mailed me in the past 18 months. I plan on leaving, but am going to use up my vacation coming up in 3 weeks, which is for 2 weeks time. Then, due to my fybromyalgia, yes I admited to her I have, I will be taking sick time to use my sick hours then giving my resignation. I can not take the abuse any longer and its unfortunate since we are short handed due to 4 ppl leaving since her realm. Maybe I should contact them? hmmm Thank you for being here.
Renee, on November 25th, 2008 at 3:02 pm Said: Edit Comment
My former boss was an absoulute power mad lunatic! She was a HRG and was given way too much power and control by the HRM who only worked 3 days a week. My boss had no one to make her accountable and those above her just let her run amuck and do whatever she pleased and make decisons to fire people or reprimand employees on a lark.
She would ask me questions and ask me to lunch and I wish I would have known then what I know know because she was just pretending to be nice so she could find out anything about me she could. The problem is there is nothing too much to find out and since I dressed professionally and came to work on time and did not miss time from work. I must have driven her bonkers. One time she asked me why I did not walk on my lunch hour and I told her I exercised in the evening to avoid the sun and thereafter she kept referring to my medical condiiton. What the heck, I did not have a medical condition I just don’t want the hot sun beating down on me and tanning my skin.
I only lasted there 3 months before she called me into office and closed the door and started to berate me for sitting at my desk after 5 saying I violated the FSLA and yet I was making up missed time that week from these in house neck massages we had. She told me I had to make up any time missed.
Anyway, she wanted to reprimand me and I refused to sign it. I was nice about it and I just told her I had never been in trouble my whole life and that I was not going to sign it and that I would quit first. Granted I probably shouldn’t have said that but at 46 I was just not going to take her crazy behavior and I was so unhappy and miserable there I planned on leaving anyway but since I had not been there that long I was trying to buy time so it wouldn’t look to bad on my resume.
I need to add that the HRM had just went out of leave when the HRG, my boss, started to show her absoulte true colors. I knew then it was only a matter of time before she offed me.
She kept saying well I am all alone again in the department (mind you, I was sitting right next to her) and she kept saying if I got it done by myself last time (the HRM took leave) I can get it done this time. It was like she wanted to push me out so she could be the hero. Granted, I was an assistant but still hired to help her so she would not be alone.
She had fired two other women just recently and yet the company let her stomp around and do whatever she pleased. I could see that she was just setting me up to get rid of me.
She called one of the employees into her office one day and told her – her clothes were too casual and her shirts too wrinkled and that was just a bit of the things she would do and yet the HRM’s sister worked there and she dressed in casual t-shirts every day and her clothes were neatly pressed and no one said anything to her. It was like the good old boy’s club in skirts. The HRG only picked on the ladies she felt she could get away with it.
She had me sign I-9 forms without orginial employee documenation or actually completing the form with the employee present and when I told her I was uncomfortable with that she told me it was not of my concern and you know I just was at a loss with how she functioned or what she was thinking.
She once came over to my ask and asked me how I felt about guns and when I told her it was a personal choice she said she was thinking of getting one. I told her I had taken a gun class before but that I did not own a gun and the next day she emailed me and asked me I had bought a gun to work. wth? I told her I did not own a gun and yet she was just searching to find a reason to reprimand me. I would never bring a weapon to work!
I don’t even know how she got the job she has. She is just dreadful to people that were not in her framework of other managers that thought she was so wonderful.
I am basically or was basically a pretty naive person and I never had anyone dislike me or try to get rid of me but I wish I would have been more informed then. I would have kept copies of the emails and documented her behavior.
In concusion, as it turned out I stepped up and came into the work the next morning and she called me into her office with one of her friends present (another manager) and asked me to resign and she was smiling the whole time. I just smiled back and said sure. At that time she said I worked too slow but that I did not think I had a problem and I would not let her help me. Good Grief, I never said that. I was just sick of her and her manipulation and she was one of those people who could talk with her ears pinned back. Anything I said to defend myself she would find minimize and twist.
It has been about 5 months ince I resigned or really was fired and I still am not working which is daunting, and I had to cut into a retirement fund to last this long without employment.
All the signs were there during my interview with her for the HR position but I overlooked them and took the job for all the wrong reasons. She kept telling me during the interview that I did not need a degree to do the job and then she asks me an employment law question at the end of the interview.
She told me once she had to get rid of the receptionist because she was too pretty and all the paramedics were hanging out at the front desk. The receptionist had worked there 5 years and yet she was just another victim of the HRG.
I can only fathom that she is a person who had an unhappy childhood or something and that her job make her feel important or valued and that in the process she just keeps mowing others down.
I don’t wish ill will on anyone but I hope some day a person with moxy will see through her and that she will be on the opposite end of her carnivorous behavior
I hear it soooo much, yes the target needs to quit. Well I am not going to quit until I get ready to and to all the bullying bosses out there and to all the states that will not make workplace bullying illegal you are #@*&^%#$^&&*%. Bullying is another slave type of action and *%^*^%^&%^*(&(_))+%#@#$$^^&*)(()))+)(_&*()()&*)_)(_
Edited by ABC.
Name calling and prejudicial statements are behaviors of a bully and therefore are not allowed on this weblog. All legitimate commentary, in keeping with common decency, will be published. Thank you.
Well here it is Saturday morning and I am awake at 7 A.M. searching the web about bully bosses. The sad thing is that after six months of verbal abuse, putting me down in front of others, attacking me in the lunchroom (while I was eating lunch) etc., I went to the CEO. Having known worked with the CEO for almost 10 years, after trying everything I could with my boss, in desperation I went to his boss. All was well, overall, for about 8 months. But cuts in federal and state funding to our small agency have increased stress levels, and guess what- yesterday the bully boss verbally attacked me in the lunchroom, the week before that in the front office. Very sadly, the CEO was standing outside the door when he attacked me in the lunchroom and waited until it was over and then came in and said “you seeemed embarrassed.” So evidently I no longer have support from him. I was not embarrassed I was mad. I have a daughter going to college soon, and this agency is the only game in town. I feel so stuck. But part of me just does not care anymore, I almost feel at times homelessness or bankruptcy would be preferable to this unhealthy environment. If it was just me, but I can’t do that to my children.
treading water
Dear Treading Water,
I am so sorry that you are thinking about work so early on a Saturday morning. How unfair is that? Not to mention the abuse that is causing you to think about such dreadful subjects so early.
The response that the CEO gave you, after witnessing your most recent bullying attack is a sign that the political atmosphere has changed at your workplace. It sounds like you realize this already from what you wrote. Heads are soon to roll as staffing is cut back to more financially acceptable levels. How does a boss get rid of staff he can’t pay for but who are good employees, without being hated by everyone who remains there? I would be honest about the company’s reduced budget and the administrative plan including the necessity of layoffs, but a bully wouldn’t. Circumstances like these are perfect opportunities for bullies to bully. Bullies enjoy hurting people and watching their reaction. Now, because of the need to downsize, he feels perfectly justified behaving like a bully as a means to get rid of under-producers although those who are let go, are usually NOT the real under producers at all, but the best there is and therefore, the biggest threat to the bully boss who is usually an under-producer. Even the CEO suddenly sees nothing wrong with this bully’s behavior. This is a red flag that trouble is ahead.
So next, they make people look bad on their jobs. Your bully boss will take every little tiny thing you do and will blow it up all out of proportion making it sound like you are a real mess up to all the bystanders who have no idea what he is yelling at you about. Then everyone thinks the bully did a good thing by getting rid of you and the bully had fun doing it and didn’t even get into trouble on top of it. Places that are downsizing are bully heaven for sure. I am sorry to say that if your position is NOW thought to be unessential, your prognosis for staying there is poor. Although there are pretty good signs that your job may be ending soon, that doesn’t mean that life as you know it for both you and your child is also ending and it’s VERY IMPORTANT that you realize that. You are a valuable employee, otherwise you wouldn’t be a target right now.
There are two things that you are saying that two other single Moms wrote in comments on this blog, that I think are significant to our understanding of the affects of workplace bullying. I’ve never read about these two things about bullied single Moms before, except right here on my own blog.
The first thing that strikes me is single Moms are seeing bullying a little bit differently than workers without children to support. I think this may work against you getting through this unless you make a special effort to keep your thinking clear.
When people are bullied, most people take it as something personal the bully has against them alone. All three single Moms however, referred to the bullying experience as something that was happening jointly against both themselves AND their dependent children. Moms being Moms, (I was never a mom but still have one who is 81 years old) all seemed more concerned about the impact on their children than on themselves.
The second thing about single Moms is that each one of them couldn’t see a way out. Each one wrote as though there are absolutely no other work opportunities available in the whole entire world except the one that is making them miserable and they are about to lose. One single mom actually already lost her job when she wrote.
A person’s level of need for their job is identified in anti-bullying literature as a factor which makes you at higher risk for bullying. The greater your need, as well as gratitude and higher level of productivity, the greater your risk for bullying and mobbing. I wonder if these single moms were targeted because they were open about how important their salary is to them. They may have even mentioned a fear of losing their job and a fear of finding a new job.
It’s important that you REMEMBER, this is not about you! nor about your child! This is not really personal at all accept in a good way. Bullies hate how good you are. They hate how dedicated you are to your family and your job. Bullies feel horrible about themselves by comparison, every time they look at you or someone mentions something good about you. Read my article “Proud to be a Target” also on this Weblog for more info on that.
Now that you know that bullying is about what is GOOD about you and is NOT about what is BAD about you, you should realize your potential for better employment.
Keep your mind clear of your bully’s lies and know the truth about your performance remains the same regardless of a bully’s words. You, God and dozens of frightened coworkers also know the truth but are afraid to say anything, not God of course, but the frightened coworkers. God is not afraid of bullies of course, he is who made us all with free will in which to choose our behaviors and it is He who will judge us in either this life or the next for those behaviors we choose. So, there is no need to spend time thinking about revenge. That is God’s job.
Moms are so good at boosting the self esteem of their children. Well take a look at your self mom and realize what a wonderfully dedicated person you are to both your family and your employer. Know the truth of your value as a person and go out there and find the position of your dreams! Because if you don’t, your bully will kill you. I mean that literally. Don’t let that happen, please… ABC
PS; When you finally land that job of your dreams, don’t act so grateful!!
I appreciate your reply. Yes, I am grateful! But that is me. And that enjoyement of life is such a necessary part of who I am.
Today it is 3 A.M. and while he has not attacked me yesterday, he is stirring things up and using another male collegue to poke at me.
The interesting thing is that we are desperately short of personnel in my position, and losing me would be a blow to the staffing at the agency. Living in a rural area, there are not many with the qualifications needed living here or willing to drive here, so he (my boss) is really shooting himself in the foot. A
dear friend/mentor thought that the CEO may have been rather strangely providing me support, and that I misunderstood his statement. I do not misunderstand that he allowed it to happen. Was he afraid of rocking the boat? Not wanting to admit this fellow he hand-picked is so good at terrorizing his female employees that turnover has been very large since he came? I don’t know. Don’t really care any longer.
I believe that I can survive here for a few more months, so my daughter can graduate, before I move on. I do feel mad that I feel forced to move on before I want to, I had hoped to spend two more years here while she finished a nearby community college. My leaving this area changes so many things for her, me, even my newly adult son who is still needing me for emotional support sometimes.
I did talk to my boss later, and said that this was back to square one with his behavior and he has backed up a bit. But he is just an explosion waiting to happen, any time, any (public) where.
I will quit moaning and began to plan my escape. Thank you. Brooks
I am in my mid-fifties, and feel lucky that my sense of who I am is firmly established, and that his behavior and words are way off base. He cannot demean my performance because I am one of the best performers he has. And he knows it.
But truly you are right, I need to leave. The good news is that my daughter is graduating in May, and therefore I can seriously job search and not worry about her having to change schools, something I promised her she would not have to do. Perhaps now that I see a glimmer of hope in the horizon, I can become unstuck and move on with my life.
This article is very helpful. I am dealing with a “closet bully” boss right now at my new job, and it’s very stressful. I am her assistant, so we manage the same people, who are all very talented and dedicated professionals. And I’m sorry to say, but my boss not only treats me with an amazing disrespect, but others too, which really pains me to see it. Our team is all foreign-born, including me, except for the boss. At first, I thought perhaps that was the reason for her intimidating, constantly attacking behavior, but then I noticed that she treats almost everyone like that who is lower in rank, (just a little more of her “special attention” for us, her department).
My boss’s tactic toward me is to make me feel like I am absolutely incompetent and not capable understanding simple things by bashing on me for the smallest errors, because overall there is nothing else for her to yell at me for – I do a pretty good job, as everyone else tell me, even being in the position for less than 2 months. It could be from pushing a wrong button on the computer to not generating a report on the day we usually do not generate it on, or not printing something in the timely manner, although it would absolutely not make a difference if it is printed 20 min later… But the most that gets to me, is how she talks to me: ” is there any reason you didn’t (did) do this?” “is there a better way i can explain to you for you to understand this” Now, imagine these words with a great deal of attitude and a look that says “you are a complete idiot”. I am a very patient person, but I gotta say, I’m getting really really sick of this treatment.
But another issue is that some of the team members, who have been there for 22 years, 19 years, and 11 years, told me in confidence that the department goes into an anxiety attack as soon as she walks into the room. One of the members calls in sick (as my boss told me that she likes to do for no reason), because she is just so depressed and stressed out, she just cannot get herself going, although she loves the job. Another member told me that the boss has already run out two people who were in my position prior to me. All of these things I find absolutely unfair and need to be addressed.
I was also amazed to see how timid, nice, and polite she becomes when she talks with her superior, I mean, 100% difference! So, the way I see it, it will be very hard to make a case and resolve this issue. But I just don’t think it can go on like this anymore, no-one deserves to have panick attacks because of this woman, not me, not the team! So, I talked to her superior, who happened to think I do a great job, and told him that I need help with dealing with my boss’s managing tactics, because I am starting to have a hard time with it. His idea was to bring all three of us into the meeting tomorrow, so here I am, doing my “homework” before this dreadful meeting, in hopes for it to come out if not successfully, then at least not worse than it is now…
Any advice?
Thanks!
This article hit home! I have been trying to articulate the bully boss in my life and this does that exactly.
Thank you,. It did exactly the same thing for me. The same thing happened to me when I went to HR. I was so shocked I couldn’t even talk.
I am going to do everything in my power to help pass the anti-bully law.
wow, what a relief it is to read this, I have been very worried about my boss’s tactics and how I am starting to feel under constant threat from her manipulative lies ever since I spoke up in a meeting. I am trying to work out how to try and return workplace issues to the truth and avoid these bully manipulation games that she play’s. This has helped provide some insight so I can show up tommorrow, do my job and not get caught up in her control games. Good luck everyone with your next working day, I’ll be back to post a comment when I find another helpfull hint on surviving the bully that I can add to the already posted wise words – do not react. cheers
“There is no question that the prophecies of our time are in process of fulfillment as we witness one scandal after another eroding the very foundation of society.”
Thank you for exposing this hidden thing of darkness… and and for shining light on the intentions of the heart
Hi, I have been dealing with a serial/closet/crazy lady bully for about 4 years. I do not know how I have stood it, but my health is not good and I am awfully demoralized. When I started I was the star employee for a long time and she was constantly telling me how much she appreciated me blah blah blah, but I failed to really notice how she bullied the other staff…in fact she tried to get me in on it. It was uncomfortable as I have been easy pickin for bullies all my life. I’m a nice quiet person… At some point along the way I was no longer the shining star. She is also a control freak beyond belief, completely irrational and refuses to let us do anything. It is a small business, she does alot of work, but refuses to allow any of us to do the ordering, not even work the till(it is an organic grocery store if you can believe it!), or things like that. All the people that have worked there in my 4 years have been intelligent, well educated capable and very nice people. The turn over has been very very high and she constantly complains about how she can’t get decent staff- with us in the room!
She will complain that she has to do everything, but when we try to do things ourselves she freaks out because it is not done ‘right’. She rarely gives clear instructions so we sometimes have to wing it and of course the results are disastrous. We become clumsy, afraid to do anything without asking first, and our work suffers as we become more and more stressed. Then there will be days when she is very nice and agreeable! She also has done a good job of isolating the staff from each other, saying terrible things about the other staff, lying etc to make us all suspicious of each other. We have clued in on that, but it is still very hurtful to find out what she says about me.
She yells and screams over minor things, slams doors, swears, belittles us constantly over little things, we can never do anything right and there is no rhyme or reason to anything. It is very chaotic and stressful. We all tip toe around like scared children holding our breath.
As one with much experience with bullies…you CANNOT change them, nor is it your job to. One wonderful coworker did stand up to the boss and tried talking to her in a calm matter, but the boss freaked out and fired her. One can have empathy for them and how they ended up like this, but no excuses! I thought if I worked hard enough and went above and beyond the call of duty I would make her happy, but it does not matter, she will find fault. I have been scared to leave because it is a small community and fear what she would say about me as she character assassinates the staff that do leave. And I feel stupid like I can do nothing right and am almost afraid of what a ‘normal’ work environment would be like. Jobs are scarce too! But seriously, if you can, leave!
I just started a job which a bully boss, and I feel so defeated. I’ve worked in consulting for 5 years, but I just graduated from college in December (I put myself through school, I’m 28). I can do no right with this woman. I just started March 18, 2009, here’s just an example of what I am dealing with:
So my mid-probationary period review (which is one month early, and not required) went like this, it started off with sugar coated insults, that I have the “potential to be a very good health and safety professional,” I show “traits of excellent leadership if I can overcome some short comings.” (She emphasized the bolded words) She said that because I’m so confident she often expects things I’m not capable of, not knowledgeable about, or otherwise can’t do because I’m a recent graduate with “no experience.” I am “obviously charismatic” and can get the things I want by “my batting my eyelashes,” however, when that doesn’t work, I am “incapable of dealing with it.” There have been “numerous complaints” against me “from others, reports of behaviors that are serious, concerning red flags.” I have been so used to using my “charms” to get what I want, however that “won’t work here at the University” because not all of my dealings will be with men.
When I asked for examples of the complaints, she couldn’t tell me. She doesn’t want me to retaliate against those who reported it.
When she did give an example of an “concern,” I was told that I didn’t have a defense. I said “You’ve misunderstood., please let me explain (or defend myself against the accusations)” Her reply wasn’t for me to clarify, it was she was going to investigate on her own. I was given no opportunity to even make a statement.
When she criticized how I handled certain situations with her, specifically an email I wrote to her stating I had not received a template that she claimed to have sent me, she said I personally attacked her. When I said, no I didn’t, and tried to explain, I was told it was all excuses. And she will not accept excuses.
Then she said if I am ever confused, I am to email her (keep in mind the personal attacks she mentioned previously were emails that she took out of context), her phone is always with her. When I stated that there have been emails and I have not heard back, she responded that she has too much on her plate, “far more important” than me, and I am to follow-up with her and remind her of these things.
And when I tried not to cry, and could feel my eyes burning, she smiled. She was happy.
I’ve heard from MANY others that she is an awful manager, but is soooo sweet to everyone else (and was so sweet to me in my interviews) that it seems inconceivable that she would treat me this way. And I’m at wits end what to do, because I need money! (School loans are killer).
Dear Aheathenapparently and to all my readers, See my new article “Tactics, A Bully Boss’s First Brutal Tactic”, which was originally written in response to your comments. I am so sorry for the troubles that you are enduring, but on positive note, your comments brought a new article idea to fruition. Thanks again, ABC
After reading your article I understand now that I had a bully boss working for me for nearly 3 years. Early on something seemed wrong. Another (trusted)employee of mine mentioned that this bully boss would make inapproprated comments – racial, or just rude, and when I confronted the bully she would always deny it. I also noticed there was never a witness to any of her suspected wrong doings. I saw two good employees brought to the breaking point, due to what the bully noted as poor performance, I had noticed that originally she buddied up very closerly to these two individuals, and then things went very sour. This person would also make underhanded remarks about me to my boss, which I flatly called her on. (FYI my boss couldn’t stand her. Because of his years of experience her knew there was something wrong with her from the beginning). After the second person quit, I saw the same buddy buddy stuff going on with the third person, and then a couple months later the tides started to turn. I honestly had prayed that God would let there be a witness to one of the bully’s wrong doings, and it finally happened. I wrote her up, called her on it, she denied it, and I terminated her employment. A colletcive sigh of relief could almost be heard after she was escorted out, and I made the announcement. The second ‘target’ had told me (after she quit) that even though I had said my door was always open and no matter wha was going on they could always talk to me in confidence, she said the bully said I ddn’t mean it and that she would get fired if she approached me! The poor woman almost had a nervous breakdown, and I never knew. Very sick people these bully bosses.
I wrote to you in February about treading water. Sadly I made the mistake of staying at this organization, and now it is June, and I am just now looking for jobs, after many more intermittent bullying incidents. Sadly I made the mistake of continuing to hope that this CEO would see the light, and what a sad mistake that was. I believe that he knows what this bully boss does, and simply does not want to look bad to his board for hand-picking the man, and is more interested in looking good and not having to train someone else that promoting a healthy work environment. But I have finally found the light and have some interviews lined up. It is almost like going into a self-induced fog that allows you to continue even when you know it is unhealthy. My doctor finally said “why don’t you just leave there?” I guess I needed to hear it from someone else. My peers know and worked hard to stand up for me, to keep me here. Isn’t that interesting. They are great peers, some of them really went out on a limb advocating for me, including confronting the bully in the team meeting, but alas, it was unsuccessful. It wlll be hard to leave such great peers. But, life need not be this unhappy.
I work at a place where bullies don’t have to be discrete. They are tolerated because our senior management is too apathetic to do anything about it. We lost an extremely valuable employee because a program manager who couldn’t handle working with a woman who had more education than he routinely insulted her and and talked to her like she was a child. The program manager’s boss knew about it but made excuses for the program manager. The woman is a star at her new employer.
I earned the privilege of being a target by naively mentioning at a code review that 2 pages of a program that my (at that time future) boss wrote could be replaced by 4 lines. The silver lining in the cloud is that I’m getting in shape for hiking because I’ve taken a lot of VERY long walks to cool down recently. I’m dealing with it by giving up. I know that our senior management is too lazy to fire anyone, so I don’t try. No matter what I do, I’ll get slammed anyway, so why bother.
“Mobbing” – so that’s what it’s called – I thought it was “I’m losing my mind…”. Now that I know what bullying and mobbing combined can do (literally drive me nuts) I actually don’t feel so bad for allowing myself to become the target (like I had any control over that). But now, thinking I was well out of it (resigned slightly before it went so far that my doctor had me admitted into one of those rooms with the nice soft walls) I recovered, a little wiser and much less trusting. I now find myself in a smaller organisation where the bully owns the company… so taking it further is not an option. I have the journal and log of events – but all that does is help me vent when it all gets too much. It is all done behind closed doors and with feigned concern for my “performance” / “health” / “insert reason of choice”.
Currently deciding whether to jump earlier rather than later – I’m not going thru it again, but it’s a timing thing, given the current economy. But it doesn’t help with that nauseating feeling of hurt that I am doing a good job, working well and making budget, but enduring sly, sneaky assaults always at my weakest moments – when I’m super busy, with tight deadlines and critical targets – ziiinnggg. Then instead of focussing on my work or family or even myself – I spend hours/days worrying away at it and spinning my wheels and feeling absolutely miserable. Needless to say – that’s how THIS weekend will be spent.
why is boss bullying allowed to continue there must be a way to make it stop without the bullied having to give up there jobs. i do know that the bullier cannot be changed by anyone but we can change ourselves. i am just not to sure how to do that .since we must respect the boss. changing myself may mean i have to speak up and defend myself, although with my boss you never get the chance. can there be some kind of legal action. a lawyer involvement or a union charging the managment. i am just grasping at straws i am sure but it does get to be more than a person can handle i am at the end of my rope but i will not quit my job. instead id like to see her go.
I wrote back in Feb. and now it is June and I am leaving for another job. The bullying got so much worse and I began to have trouble sleeping, anxiety problems, etc. If I could give others advice I encourage if you report directly to a bully, begin looking for another place or department to work in now. Do not wait, brush off the resume and begin. I may take a while and if you are targeted chances are things will only get worse. I found myself interviewing the prospective employer (carefully) but looking at them as closely as they were looking at me. And ruled out a couple of places I might not have a couple of years ago, really quickly.
RECENT COMMENTS to the article “TACTICS OF A WORKPLACE SERIAL BULLY BOSS” submitted by readers who accessed this article through the web site badbossology.com
User: SteelMagnolia
Date: 6/3/2009 4:39:00 AM
My boss had a smile like an alligator, with many sharp pointed teeth. People either loved or hated him, there was no middle ground. His bullying was what I called “hit and run.” He’d say something that sounded innocent on the surface, then walk away just as I realized I’d been put down. The worst was when a colleague on maternity leave brought her baby in. As I was holding the baby, making all the usual delighted noises, my boss said sarcastically “You should have another baby!” He knew I could not have more children. I never forgave him for that.
User: Nuriel
Date: 7/1/2009 2:15:00 PM
My boss chooses her victims well. She is always smiling, but she has a wicked tongue. She is so slick, you have to be astute to know when she is inflicting pain. She told us when she arrived that she had heard that we were dysfunctional, but decided to come any way to try to “fix us.” Some of us know that it is just a matter of time before she “outslicks herself.”
User: brothers keeper
Date: 7/2/2009 12:00:00 AM
Gawd,,,,,i had the worst of the worst bully boss, reminded me of jekyl and hyde..I hate even thinking of the things she did and said about me, the worst thing she told me when i was worried about my bro..who since past away…she Stood there in front of people..and said R U your brothers keeper??? I was warned about her, that she likes power and control and does not like others who know their job and are good at what they do..she likes the control but doesn’t do the work…which is true…..she appears nice when others are around so it was hard to prove as the board members believed her, she does the talk thing over and over again, oooh she had her sister to support her, who was an employee, they shredded information and back up from files and turned around and said my files lacked information etc, it was rough, I cannot believe adults act like tihs and yet they want our youth to behave….since then i have been terminated and got a settlement, which i was forced to take due to financial strain, i wanted to sue them big time…now my company has undeducated people doing my work and the manager doing nothing but travel…they will have their day………
I am originally from a state that is heavily dependent on the automotive industry,after being laid off for 4 months I was hired by the manufacturing company I work for 700 miles away from home. They put me up in a hotel for 30 days on a trial basis. after 30 days were up I started looking for a home in this state,everything was fine,the owner came out every morning and was very pleasant.
After I permanently relocated here is when the bullying started!!! I was accused several times a day of wasting his money and being unproductive after months of this the attacks escalated to insults, mocking, his favorite insult was the slang word for the female reproductive organ ( the P word)!!!! . after almost a year of this, I was losing weight, losing sleep and losing my mind!!!.
I may have unknowingly called him to task( this is before I found your site and realized exactly what was happening) I went in and said to him ” if I’m not making you any money why do you keep me here???” and guess what, he had no answer!!!! now the attacks have stopped since he gets NO reaction from me(something I learned thanks to ABC’s website!!)I now realize that I am good at what I do, if I were not he would fire me. so anyone who is being bullied at work keep your head up and press on, there is hope!! my boss is the owner of the company, there is nobody above him but by following what I learned on this site I was able to stop the bullying!!! thank you for enlightening me ABC, you truly are a an answered prayer.
when are we going to see bully as abuse in America? Us targets do not need to let them make us mental or Postal. Fight with all you have. This is unreal. Adults get by with it so children do it. I asked for my job so that I can earn an income not to stand by and watch someone bully me. I am not going to quit work, I have a right to be there. I hate the fact that the government or congress has not made a no bullying law for Adults as well as children. I give my boss hell the best way that I can without getting fired because I am not afraid of her. I wish I could tell her off without getting terminated. She a stupid Bitch and if any bullying boss is reading this you are too.
i found your website last week, ABC, and have read every article through several times since then.
i have a bully boss; a senior pastor! he fits the description of the serial bully exactly. He’s new, I’ve been there a long time and am well-liked. He’s disliked and has managed to drive away people who have been members for 50 years. I’ve been on leave for the past several months after reaching a crisis point with panic attacks, overall anxiety, insomnia and depression.
This week I’m going back and feel empowered after identifying the problem, naming it, acknowledging i am the victim of a bully and that it’s not my fault, and having some strategies for coping. THANK YOU for your help, even when you don’t know me. My next challenge is to get off all the drugs i’ve needed to cope. Any ideas with that?
God bless all of you for sharing your stories!
Dear Madagascar,
Thank you for the compliments. It’s uplifting to my soul to know that my blog is accomplishing it’s goals. I am so happy for you that you now feel emotionally strong enough to stop the medications that helped you cope. Knowledge of course is a better, more healthy way to cope with things that we previously had no experience with. As a Registered Nurse, I must advise you however, that your body has become accustomed to the drugs in your system. Suddenly stopping them, may be deleterious to you physically. An example being that a former colleague suddenly had a grandmal seizure after stopping the use of Elavil, generically known as Amitriptylin, a commonly used antidepressant medication. It is important to slowly wean yourself off of these kinds of medications. You should seek the advice of the prescribing physician regarding a dose reduction schedule. I wish you well and will keep you in my prayers. ABC
After 3 + years of part time work for a bully/PA/unstable/negative boss, I quit in July.
The anxiety attacks and verbal abuse of me, and under the breath mocking of everyone who left our office, was too much. One confrontation in year 2 was useless and I paid dearly for ‘calling her out’ believe me. Her rants, crying when I asked for a week’s vacation, silent treatments..calline me a b*tch …I could go on and on.
I am so much happier now without this toxic person in my life.
Oh, you hit the nail on the head! You know my boss! But, are you saying that I have two years of hell ahead of me to before I get kicked out? So what is the answer? IS there an answer? (And “calling her out” doesn’t work — now she is accusing ME of being a bully!) OMG! Please give me a thread of hope……
Thank you for your website. I was a very successful and well-loved principal of a middle school. A new boss (a principal from within our district was hired) came on board and she began harrassing and bullying me. I was accused of being unethical, but the reasons were “confidential” and she wouldn’t tell me why. She said I was many things, but never would be specific and claimed these were again “confidential” and would never give me specifcs. She accused me of false/inaccurate things. I was put on a performance plan without specific performance objectives or measure- which does not meet the Colorado legal statutes. I went to her boss, but he wouldn’t help me. Mid-year I was excused from my position and then later I was told I wasn’t excused after I had a new job and filed a lawsuit. The lawsuit is a 14th admendment Due Process and Constructive Discharge Suit. I’ve been offered a low-ball settlement, and of course, a non-disparagement & confidentiality agreement. The toll on my life has been tremendous. Workplace bullying is awful, and America should look to Canada and some of the things that are being done legally to stop this. The financial implications alone (to corporations and people) are incredible. We need to publicize bullying to get this problem to stop. Imagine- how can we get kids to stop bullying in schools when the upper level administrators are bullying their own employees? Crazy, huh? I hope by bringing my situation to a case to bring workplace bullying out of the closet. Any help getting my message out would be appreciated.
I,ve worked for many different organisations & nationalities and unfortunately there was always a bully of some kind.The bully boss is the worst though and it,s a pity that some of us human beings are so backward in their treating of work – life is hard enough having to spent most of it in a factory or office.
To be honest i don,t mind bosses who “rant & rave” – they,re the harmless ones or the ones who have to learn to control there emotions.The deadly bosses are the SILENT or SMILING or IGNORING ones – they are devious, clever, uneducated and a detriment to business efficiency & innovation.
I was just released for the third time due to a covert workplace bully (2 were supervisors, one was a co-worker). I have decided the only way to survive is to work at home. Over the three job losses, I’ve lost my career, a phd degree, my home, and most of my earning capacity. I’m ill with several autoimmune disorders as well, certainly brought on by the stress of repeated bullying.
Striving to change workplace laws is the one way I can make sense of all that I have lost.
I just started another job and the boss is totally up my ass every hour because he is trying to teach me the operation of the plant and how it works, because “I obviously know nothing” and yet he hired me three weeks ago and said “you are my first choice because of your experience”!! The other guys(2) say he’ll only get worse,you will see. I need the job and would like the guy too chill out but he’s an arrogant prick who is always right! 5 more weeks and I’m in the union they say, and then I can confront him.But apparently that’s been done before(my co-worker went to the plant manager) and he was ok for a week,then back to analville!! What to do??
You have no idea how much this post helped me express and explain how my boss and my best friend boss works. It is an amazing comfort to know that we are not alone. I am bringing this as a print out to my counsellor and I gave a hand out to my parents are well. Thank you very, very much. If a boss wants good workers they need to stop damaging and manipulating the situation in order for them to positively work effectively and not take it out on the staff.
I was just fired by a Bully last week. Until I found this website I didn’t realize this was so common. My boss fits this profile perfectly. I have worked for this company for over 10 years and always had great evals until the new boss/bully came on less than 2 years ago. I had never been written up until she accused me of saying things I didn’t say. Then finally last week fired me for reasons that are not true. HR will not do anything about her. Several people have quit or been fired and I can only hope that the upper managers figure her out soon.
My next obstacle is to try to get unemployment. Any advise out there?