“Soap Opera” Fitting Discription for “Workplace Bullying and Mobbing”. By ABC

Dear Readers,

Below is the beginning of an article, followed by a link to the entire article, titled “Is The Latino Affairs Commission a Soap Opera?” .  This article was published on September 13, 2009, in Connecticut’s largest, and the country’s oldest newspaper, The Hartford Courant.   The story describes the drama of a classic “workplace bullying and mobbing” campaign, unfolding within a government agency, which is then referred to as a “soap opera”.

“Soap Opera” is truly a fitting description for the antics of a workplace bully boss and the bully boss’s little mob, as they go about the business of destroying the most competent members of their staff.  This being a means of effectively eliminating the appearance of their own incompetence, by removing the competent basis of comparison, that bully bosses perceive as a threat.

The drama and high emotion elicited by the bully boss’s tactics of lies, and manipulation of coworkers against their targets, over ridiculous, seemingly trivial matters, is very much the stuff that soap operas are made of. Stories such as this, are published on a regular basis,  drawing the attention of readers to the human interest aspect of these stories, which are often quite literally, unbelievable.

Although Connecticut has a “Bullybusters” group, legislation has been proposed, and articles have been published on this subject, the words “workplace bullying and mobbing” are rarely, if ever used in articles that describe it.  As a result, most people in Connecticut have never even heard of “workplace bullying and mobbing”.

Read the article below, a truly prime example of “workplace bullying and mobbing”, then my commentary below it.   ABC

GOVERNMENT WATCH

Is Latino Affairs Commission A Soap Opera?

• Jon Lender
• 
• • X
    Government
    Budgets and Budgeting
    Jodi Rell
    Minority Groups
    Human Rights
    Executive Branch
    Employment

Jon Lender Government Watch September 13, 2009

Twelve months of turmoil have plagued the state’s Latino and Puerto Rican Affairs Commission, and it won’t let up.

First, the commission drew protests in September 2008 when it voted to fired its longtime director, Fernando Betancourt, then backed off on that, and finally negotiated a separation agreement with him two months later.

http://www.courant.com/news/politics/hc-government-watch-jon-lender-0913-column,0,3658764.column

Comment by ABC (published on the on-line edition of The Hartford Courant)

The story above is a classic case of “Workplace Bullying and Mobbing”. Few people in Connecticut know of this very common phenomenon which infects many of our workplaces. At it’s very worse, workplace bullying may result in an abused worker “going postal” or committing suicide, which sadly, most Connecticut workers have at least heard of. More commonly bullying and mobbing in our workplaces results in depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, high blood pressure and numerous other emotion injuries and stress related physical abnormalities. Once chosen as a “target” of a workplace bully, 80% are eliminated from their workplace within two years. Being a phenomenon, “Workplace bullying and mobbing” is predictable and easily recognized by those who have an understanding of this very complex and difficult to believe problem. It is likely the largest hidden expense in business today and when government agencies are involved, that means increased taxes. When words like “rumors”, “gossip”, threatened”, “intimidated” unprofessional”, “turmoil”, “crying” and “lied about” are used to describe a workplace, look for a “workplace bully” and their little “mob” of supporters. It’s my hope that one day all working Americans will know enough, to Recognize it, Name it, and End Workplace bullying and mobbing together! ABC

Reader Stops Bullying, Uses ABC’s Advice.

Dear Readers,

Below is an edited comment written by an anonymous  reader of this website..  Read this very positive comment in black type, then my response below in red type. Thank you “anonymous” for the compliments, but there is a bit more you need to understand. ABC

I was accused several times a day of wasting his money and being unproductive after months of this the attacks escalated to insults, mocking, his favorite insult was the slang word for the female reproductive organ ( the P word)!!!! . after almost a year of this, I was losing weight, losing sleep and losing my mind!!!.
I may have unknowingly called him to task ( this is before I found your site and realized exactly what was happening) I went in and said to him ” if I’m not making you any money why do you keep me here???” and guess what, he had no answer!!!! now the attacks have stopped since he gets NO reaction from me(something I learned thanks to ABC’s website!!) I now realize that I am good at what I do, if I were not he would fire me. so anyone who is being bullied at work keep your head up and press on, there is hope!! my boss is the owner of the company, there is nobody above him but by following what I learned on this site I was able to stop the bullying!!! thank you for enlightening me ABC, you truly are a an answered prayer.

-ABC’s reply to Anonymous-

Dear Anonymous,

Thank you for the compliments.  Knowledge is power as they say and many targets see improvements in their situations once they gain an understanding of the workplace bullying and mobbing phenomenon.

Understanding that targets are chosen by bullies because of their positive attributes which bullies perceive as threatening, is a relief to know alone.  Then, experiencing results by “not reacting” to bullying behavior, gives a target the false impression that they have this problem licked.  But not so fast, it’s time to take pause, and learn a bit more.

Once a bully, always a bully.  Although bullies may have periods in which they take extra care to suppress their bullying behavior, they are still bullies and will always feel compelled to behave like bullies.

Once a target always a target.  Although the bully may back off and choose another target, your positive attributes are something that will continue to be very irritating to the bully.  It is important to know that even if your bully stops bullying you, you will always be vulnerable for a second strike by this same bully sometime in the future.

Always watch your back, and never trust this bully again.  It is hard for some targets to truly understand how likely it is that their bully may strike again.  Being back in the fold of their bully’s good graces, and again being included and spoken to by coworkers, feels so good.  The longer the bully backs off, the more confident the target feels, that all is well.  Their perception of the now past bullying and mobbing campaign, seems almost unreal.  The target  may think that this past episode was just a phase, or something they exaggerated in their mind.

Think again!  I am experiencing a second strike myself right now, after being essentially bully free for several months.   This is something I knew would happen, although the longer I was bully free, the easier it was for me to begin to doubt my perceptions.

Simply trying to correct my bully boss’s incorrect understanding about a detail of the process and flow of our work, was enough to put me back into primary target mode.

Once again, my bully boss and her little mob resumed all of their bullying and mobbing tactics leaving me singled out, isolated and emotionally and physically devastated.

Don’t kid yourself!  If your bully boss should back off, chances are it will not last.   Take this time to make as much money as you can while you find another job with a boss who will treat you with the respect that you deserve.

ABC

The Penalty of Leadership by JoAnn Ryan / Comments by ABC

Dear Readers,

I came across an editorial about “leadership” in the on-line edition of my local newspaper which I thought I would share with all of you.  I liked the information about the attributes of a good leader, but it was what I read between the lines, that caught my attention.  The author quoted Theodore MacManus who describes some of the negative aspects of being perceived by others as “stamped with the seal of genius”, also referred to as “leaders” in this article.  I found it interesting that the author writes about negative behaviors towards those who excel, as normal or as something that should be expected.  As quoted in the article, she perceives these behaviors as the “penalty of leadership” which she states “is a privilege always on our mind”.  Read the article, “The Penalty of Leadership”, which begins below in black type, and brings you to the entire article when you click on the link.  Then read my comments to the author below the article, in red type.   ABC

THE PENALTY OF LEADERSHIP

By,  JoAnn Ryan,  President & CEO of the Northwest Connecticut Chamber of Commerce.

Congratulations to all of the June graduates! This month, I am reminded of the powerful message written by Theodore MacManus my Mom gave to me when I graduated from college. It is worth repeating:

“In every field of human endeavor, he that is first must perpetually live in the white light of publicity. Whether the leadership be vested in a man or in a manufactured product, emulation and envy are ever at work. In art, in literature, in music, in industry, the reward and punishment are always the same.

The reward is widespread recognition; the punishment, fierce denial and detraction…If his work be mediocre, he will be left severely alone – if he achieves a masterpiece, it will set a million tongues a-wagging…Whatsoever you write, or paint, or play or sing, or build, no one will strive to surpass or to slander you unless your work be stamped with the seal of genius.

Long, long after a great work has been done, those who are disappointed or envious, continue to cry out that it cannot be done…The leader is assailed because he is a leader, and the effort to equal him is merely added proof of that leadership…–CLICK ON LINK BELOW FOR COMPLETE ARTICLE

http://www.registercitizen.com/articles/2009/06/28/business/doc4a46f388875d6181135619.txt#blogcomments

Comments by ABC

ABC – AntiBullyingCrusador wrote on Jun 28, 2009 12:41 PM:

–Quote from article;

–Whatsoever you write, or paint, or play or sing, or build, no one will strive to surpass or to slander you unless your work be stamped with the seal of genius--

The quote from the article above is very true, but it’s important to know that those “stamped with the seal of genius” attract negative attention from only a small percentage of people, those with emotional or personality disorders such as Narcissisim.

Emotionally healthy people applaud the successes of others and feel honored to work with and learn from those whose talents and abilities surpass their own.

Then there are the “Narcissists” and people with other emotional and mental disorders who react as if threatened by those who excel.

When in positions of authority in our workplaces, these people may take on the role of a “workplace serial bully boss”. “Workplace bullies” feel threatened by good performers, because it increases their own feelings of inadequacy and shame. Bullies can’t stand to see someone other then themselves shine.

It’s important for “leaders” and those who are highly talented and productive in our workplaces, to understand that negative attention related to their successes, is not a normal response and should not be thought of as something to expect, as a “penalty of leadership”.

Instead, it should be recognized as a red flag that there is something very wrong with the culture of the workplace, known as “the phenomenon of workplace bullying and mobbing”.

All working Americans should learn to recognize it, name it and end workplace bullying and mobbing together!  ABC

Comments

GoodLeadership wrote on Jun 28, 2009 8:33 PM: Excellent!! I urge you to distribute your document to all corporate and military leaders. This needs the widest dissemination.

P.s.

Please attach ABC’s truthful analysis, which, in my view, is worthy of award.

M “

ABC’s Website Mentioned on Workrant.com By ABC

Dear readers,

One of the readers of this website left a comment saying that they mentioned my website on an anti-bullying website called “Workrant.com”.   There’s some really funny stuff that people write on this website that really lightens up the subject and will get you laughing your head off.   So if you are in the mood for a good laugh, click on the link below.  Scroll down to “Clarissa” to read the mention of this website.       ABC
http://www.workrant.com/

Tactics, The Bully Boss’s First Brutal Tactic by ABC

Tactics, The Bully Boss’s First Brutal Tactic

by ABC – AntiBullyingCrusador

Do you think you may be a “target” of a “workplace bully?”  If so, you probably are and I would like to offer my congratulations!  First I will explain how you can tell for sure, then I’ll explain why this can be thought of as a event to celebrate.

The most amazing thing about workplace bullies is the similarities of their tactics.  I was so perplexed  by this at first.  As I met one bully after another through my first decade of employment, I came to realize that although the bullies I encountered, didn’t know each other, or have any other shared history, it seemed as though they did.

That’s a hallmark of a workplace bully, the similarities of their tactics. It seems as though these people are some how related to each other or went to a class to learn the art of workplace bullying.  Once you know one bully and understand the “workplace bullying and mobbing phenomenon”, you’ll be prepared for the next one.

Targets usually come to the realization that they are being faced with a serious problem on their job, when the bully boss suddenly turns against them after an initial period of being very nice.  One author described this as the “honeymoon phase”.  Targets are often treated so nicely at first, that they feel favored.   This tactic gives targets a false sense of security and potential with increasingly high expectations for the future on their job and with this boss.  This first tactic or maybe I should say “attack”, is especially brutal for a number of reasons and intentionally made so by the bully.

The way serial bully bosses get to know their intended next targets are similar to how a serial killer stalks their intended next victim.  Both the killer and the bully need to know their intended target/victim’s weaknesses.  What are their vulnerabilities?  How will the predator snare the prey into their traps.   Bully bosses focus in on their intended target’s emotional vulnerabilities.  They are expert at feigning shared values and encourage emotional intimacy.  The unsuspecting target responds to this by sharing everything the bully needs to know to take them down.

This very first tactic is the most difficult for many.  It was for me.   Suddenly being turned against by someone you thought favored you is very confusing.  Why would someone do that?  It just doesn’t make sense.  The pure insanity of the usually ridiculous accusations that these bully bosses come up with, are yet another hallmark of what targets can expect.   Accusations are rarely related to the bottom line, which is productivity, or numbers of completed tasks and quality of those completed tasks.  Instead, accusations are related to a target’s appearance, mannerisms and vague references to interactions with others.  Examples or concrete evidence of real work deficiencies are rarely produced and when they are, are exaggerated, twisted and taken out of context.  A bully boss will never tell a target who made the accusations because the accusations were never made!

In fact, any talk about the  job performance of a target by others, is most likely very positive.  I know this about targets because of what motivates bullies in the first place. Bullies are compelled to behave this way because of physical or emotional mental disorders.  Some bullies have personality disorders, which are abnormal physical differences in their brains when compared to a normal brain. These physical abnormalities rob them of their empathy and their ability to think in ways that most of us do. Other bullies had harsh childhoods leaving them with feelings of inadequacy and shame.  A subordinate’s good work performance will gain the attention of a bully who has fears that their own inadequacies will become more evident to others by the bases of comparison.

It’s amazing how consistent bullies are in this respect as well.   They consistently choose the best people on their staff to target.   Through the past few years I have read hundreds of  emails, comments, and questions from targets of workplace bullies.  The targets that I have interacted with, consistently and just about always, seem solid and intelligent in the way they express themselves.   You would think that a web site about bully bosses would get all kinds of angry, disgruntled, stupid comments and  responses.  It has NEVER happened, can you believe it?

Bullies are also thought to feel satisfaction or some kind of pleasure when they elicit a troubled emotional response from their targets.  If you think you detected a little smile on your bully’s face during a confrontation, you are right.   The bully is literally happy that they were able to upset you.

It is not possible to reason with a bully about any of the issues or accusations that they make.  It is not their intention to resolve issues.  Their intention is to drag the target into battle with them in order to subjugate, control, then force them out of their jobs.  No amount of effort on the target’s part will change the bully’s behavior.

Trying to work around the bully by reporting bullying behaviors to superiors or to Human Resources are also usually a wasted effort as the bully’s ability to convincingly deceive the perception of others is expert.  The denial by their supporters is deep.

Workplace bullies are dangerous to the emotional and physical health of every target they choose.  Whenever faced with danger it is always logical to put distance between you and the source of the danger.  Whenever possible, the best advise is to  QUIT THAT JOB !!   But hold on just long enough to find yourself another job.

The best way to hang on to a job until better options are found is to NOT REACT to anything the bully says or does.  This takes the joy and fun out of bullying.  The second thing targets should be mindful of is being especially kind and helpful to coworkers.  Never badmouth your bully boss.   Instead, show concern and seem perplexed by bullying behaviors.  It’s really tough for a bully boss to take down a well liked employee.

Lucky for you if your bully writes down a lot of their insanity in emails they send to you.   Many bullies favor the use of email in which to harass their targets with.  This is referred to as “cyber-bullying”.   If your bully uses email, forward all of the emails to your home computer.  On your home PC add in a comment section at the bottom, then document details of the incident that the email refers to.  Doing this keeps things sane for me.  Every time I look over the emails and my added comments, I validate to myself how real and how crazy this stuff is.  Unfortunately, not many people have an understanding of how devastating workplace bullying can be but sharing some of these emails during an exit interview, may some how help someone.  It would be even better though, if workplace bullying and mobbing became illegal.  What could be better than the bully’s own written words to prove a case?

Once a target learns about the phenomenon of workplace bullying and mobbing and understands that they were chosen by a bully because of what’s good about them, they can move on realizing  how likely it is that they will find another job, with a boss who treats them with the respect that a person of their caliber deserves and should expect.

So to all new targets of workplace bullies, Congratulations in advance for your new positions and for being the very special people that you are.   Sincerely,   ABC

Bully-Proof Yourself. Another Fresh Perspective By Patrick Maina.

Article Commentary by ABC

ABC would like to Welcome back  Patrick Maina, guest author, who is presenting his second Fresh Perspective article “Bully-Proof Yourself”.     Patrick’s articles are presented in a unique energetic style with a contagious enthusiasm which is both entertaining and informative.  These are must read articles which shouldn’t be missed.   Don’t miss his premiere article, “Life After Workplace Mobbing, A Fresh Perspective” published in Jan. 2009.  See author’s bio at the end of his premiere article.   In photo on the right,  Patrick says – “Boooo!” to all the big bad bullies out there, while trying on a much larger and more intimidatng body while on vacation.

(( Boooo! ))

Bully-Proof Yourself.  Another Fresh Perspective.  By Patrick Maina

I am no longer a victim of bullying.

Bullies / Office mobs no longer intimidate me. Whoever said knowledge is power wasn’t kidding!

Let me share with you some practical bully-proofing techniques that really work! No more pep talks or theories – these techniques, if used consistently, will free you from bullies and mobs PERMANENTLY.

The mistake most decent people make is to accept their role as victim. They find it hard to believe that other people can have evil objectives. The seeming lack of a reason (what did I do to you to deserve this? You barely know me!) makes it more painful to cope.

The other mistake we make is to over estimate the power and influence of bullies – simply because of what they say or do. Your bully is most probably not as powerful as you think!

Another mistake is to overestimate the value and importance of keeping your job in your company. Do you really believe that only one company can hire you? Did the company do you a favor by hiring you – or was it a mutually beneficial arrangement where they pay you in exchange for your talent?

As long as you fear getting fired you will have a weakness that bullies can exploit. You need to be aware of your value to your organization – and deliver tangible, documented results to prove your worth.

Take charge of your personal finances to remove dependency on your job.

Most importantly: Understand the labor laws of your country. Understand your company’s Employee policy manual. Know the legitimate grounds for dismissal (usually very explicitly stated) and ensure you never do anything that would provide such grounds. Also know your company’s grievance procedure.

Every move you make to counter bullies must be well informed, legal, and within company policies. This either guarantees your job security or increases chances of hefty legal damages in case of unfair dismissal.

Know that good things are not easy to get. High returns come with high risk. Hence you have to be ready to walk away to a new life or follow through to the end if you are dismissed (court case and all subsequent appeals if necessary, media/public support etc).

OK. Now lets start!

Mobbing is not a new phenomenon. Even animals do it. Take birds for example. .they will mob any perceived predator encroaching their nests or babies or injured mate etc. Since the victim is usually bigger/stronger, the birds use psychological harassment techniques to confuse and make it less appealing for the predator to move forward (noise/chaos, vomiting/defecating on the predator etc)

Now… humans… unlike bullies (who just enjoy what they do), most mobbers perceive the target as a means of achieving a certain self-preservation objective – e.g. “better him than me”. Just like the birds.

Given this understanding of bullies and mob behavior, it is possible to devise counter measures that turn you into the HUNTER rather than the HUNTED.

Lets go back to the birds example: clever hunters have devised tactics that take advantage of mobbing behavior to draw birds into a trap. Google it.

Here are tactics that I have used successfully. Be sure to combine them all as they are not mutually exclusive:

1. Take charge. Become totally unpredictable. Change your behavior frequently. At will. unexpectedly. one minute very friendly, the next very cold. Friendly with x, cold with y. Ignore some attacks, respond to some jokingly, respond to others seriously. Mix responses – one minute you brush it off – then after the person is disarmed, you raise the subject to him/her separately and say you wanna discuss behavior x, which occurred at date-time x, formally as an issue that is disrupting work. Note down his response and follow up by email to document the incident – including date/time and place.

This starts a guessing game. They try to figure you out .. to understand what you are up to.

When “mobbers” hold “conditioning conversations” indirectly targeting you (i.e. you are supposed to overhear and feel hurt/frightened etc). Simply walk off beyond range of hearing. Or wear headphones and focus on your work – totally ignoring them. Make them know that they have just been ignored big-time.

Suppose they try to chat you up – just say you are busy and can you talk later? Be extra nice and smiling…

If they send an emissiarry – to plant some rumor or veiled threat or misinformation cut him/her off mid sentence (soon as you notice whats happening), say you are busy, ask the person to write you an email so that you can look at it later and walk away. Repeat as often as necessary.

If you expect some output from them as your input, request formally in writing. Follow up stating (1st 2nd 3rd follow up etc).

If taken round in circles, such that your request starts at point “a” and goes round b, c, d, e, f, before coming back to a who then does it.. document it. Send a message to “a” and show how you went round in circles and how it resulted in delays and time wastage. Get “a” to promise it wont happen again.

Suppose they try a nibble (small direct attack) – to understand your motives, Don’t look hurt or offended. Look BORED. Take a notebook and ask whoever just made the nibble to repeat what they just said. Note it down. If they don’t repeat – repeat it for them and say you want to have it on record what exactly they are saying. Write down each of the mob’s comments.

Then quietly continue with your work. Try not to show any emotions (hurt or offense even if they say something nasty). Let them leave first before you make your move.

Next respond to each of the mob IN WRITING, as INDIVIDUALS and state the inaccuracies associated with his/her statement. Ask him/her to clarify and substantiate the issue with specific incidents – with dates and times and with no generalizations or ambiguities. State impact of his/her behavior on your work and ask him/her to stop. State that you are copying your boss or his/her boss and that if it happens again, you shall be compelled to escalate further. Keep it factual, brief, to the point, polite and business like.

If, when you are noting down comments, they react violently or you feel unsafe then get away to a safe place first then write to HR and cc your boss immediately about the threat!

2. Prepare for battle. Collect evidence left right and center. SEEK to be mobbed or bullied – then get it documented. Feign insecurity to make the bullies arrogant. Then when they cross the line (e.g. making derogatory statements or false accusations or generalized statements); pause the conversation thus:

“Lets talk about what just happened.” Provided you don’t feel physically threatened, insist you cannot continue with the conversation unless you first discuss “what just happened”.

If its not safe simply find a way to excuse yourself gently or just run out or scream for help (especially if you are a woman – this is an excellent age-old tactic even when you don’t really feel physically threatened but what the bully is doing would appear threatening to an outsider and the bully is a man!).

When you are in a safe place, note down the time of the incident and write a formal email to the bully stating what happened and saying how you felt in danger because of their behavior. Say that you are copying HR and his boss because you believe what just happened is against the company policy. Say politely that you are requesting for him to stop this behavior as it distracts from achieving the company objectives (always focus on how the behavior affects your ability to work on the task at hand). Ask for a commitment that the behavior will not be repeated. Once you get the commitment – DOCUMENT IT (even if it was verbal)

Most likely the behavior will stop – the first time you do this. However it can resurface after a few months.

Now don’t deal with the next incident as a new incident! Thats another mistake. It is CRUCIAL to establish a pattern. and with each repeating incident – escalate to higher management.

Also keep in mind that the bully has committed another offense. He has BROKEN A PROMISE made earlier to stop the behavior.

So your letter for Bully tantrum #2 would refer to the first letter you wrote 6 months ago on the same subject and say this is the 2nd/3rd/4th time etc that the behavior is recurring. Then refer to the PROMISE the bully made and show your concern that the bully DID NOT KEEP HIS/HER PROMISE. Say that its now more difficult to trust the bully on these issues because he/she has shown that he/she doesn’t keep promises. On this basis – escalate higher (or if at highest level, maintain).

Show the impact to your work. State possible impact to others. State he impact to you (do you feel safe etc). and ask “again” for the behavior to stop.

3. Attack from the heavens. Having collected damning evidence, write an objective research paper on bullying/mobbing – in your free time – with credible references, and submit to the most senior HR person in your organization. List the tactics in your paper an compare them to certain incidents you have seen in your organization (you will have evidence in hand at this point – e.g. written correspondence etc)

Ask the HR person for help. Document the request. If HR does nothing, and the offense is repeated, then write again to HR and refer to the PREVIOUS correspondence on the same. State you concern that this is the Xth time that you are writing about this issue and that the behavior is still recurring. Restate the impact of the behavior to your work and to the work environment. State any safety concerns etc. Ask again for “urgent help and intervention”on the matter.

More likely than not, the bully will be disciplined or fired. HR will know you are building a case and most likely will not dare touch you (especially if you already have evidence of their not taking action early).

4. Follow up with ground troops: Do you know former victims of the bully? Get them all together (those who are willing) and all of you simultaneously start a grievance process – if one exists – against the bully.

Now, at this point the bully is no longer in control of the situation and is probably confused… he/she may try to play victim and may spread rumors that YOU are harassing him/her.

To counter this, take any opportunity to talk about the harassment incidents that the bully took part in. Stick to facts and don’t exaggerate. Let people casually know you have escalated to HR – but don’t give details, don’t sensationalize, don’t speculate etc.

Keep doing the above and you will be the least desirable target for bullies and mobs.

Finally, If you see victims being bullied, help them in whatever manner you can. Else you become just as guilty as those who sat and watched when YOU were the victim.

Single Motherhood and Workplace Bullying by ABC

There are two things that three  single Moms wrote in comments on this blog, that I think are significant to our understanding of the affects of workplace bullying.  I’ve never read about these two things about bullied single Moms before, except right here on my own blog.

The first thing that strikes me is that single Moms are seeing the  bullying and mobbing experience a little bit differently than workers without children to support.   They have a different perspective which may work against them getting through this, unless they make a special effort to keep their thinking clear.

When people are bullied, most people take it as something personal that the bully has against them alone.  All three single Moms however, referred to the bullying experience as something that was happening jointly against both themselves AND their dependent children.  Moms being Moms, (I was never a mom but still have one who is 81 years old) all seemed more concerned about the impact on their children than on themselves.    Taking second place to their childrens’ perceived needs, may not be a winning tactic in  a workplace bullying experience.

The second thing about single Moms is that each one of them couldn’t see a way out.  Each one wrote as though there were absolutely no other job opportunities available in the whole entire world, except the one that is making them miserable and they are about to lose.  One single Mom actually already lost her job when she wrote.

A person’s level of need for their job is identified in anti-bullying literature as a factor which makes a person at higher risk for bullying.  The greater your need, as well as gratitude and higher level of productivity, the greater your risk for bullying and mobbing.  I wonder if these single Moms were targeted because they were open about how important their salary is to them.  They may have even mentioned a fear of losing their job, or finding a new job, or spoke openly about their fears of being unable to support their children.

Displeasure from bully bosses can also often intensify when single Moms arrive late or not at all because of problems with their children.  This is something I observed in my own workplace but interestingly, was not mentioned by any of the three single Moms who commented.

It’s important that Moms REMEMBER, this is not really about them! nor about their child!   This is not really personal at all except in a good way.  Bullies hate how good these moms are.  They hate how dedicated they are to their family and their job.  Bullies feel horrible about themselves by comparison, every time they look at a subordinate whose performance outshines theirs.  Read my article “Proud to be a Target”, which is also on this Weblog for more info on that.

Now that you single Moms know that bullying is about what is GOOD about you and is NOT about what is BAD about you, you should realize your potential for better employment.

Keep your mind clear of your bully’s lies and know that the truth about your performance remains the same regardless of a bully’s words.   You, God and dozens of frightened coworkers, also know the truth but are afraid to say anything, not God of course, but the frightened coworkers.   To believers in God, know that He is who made us all with free will in which to choose our behaviors, and it is He who will judge us in either this life or the next, for those behaviors we choose.  Even a moment’s thought of finding a means of revenge, is a wasted moment.  Revenge is God’s job.

Moms are so good at boosting the self esteem of their children.  Mine still does.   So to all bullied single Moms out there, take a look at yourself  and realize what a wonderfully dedicated person you are, to both your family and your employer.  You are so good, it caught the attention of a workplace bully who is literally threatened and  sickened,  just by watching you.   Know the truth of your value as a person and go out there and find the position of your dreams!

Think of all your strengths, talents, and interests and open up your mind to consider completely different job opportunities.   You may come to realize you have talents and strengths which would make self employment a feasible option.   Some people first consider, then move and  start all over again, at a location far from where they are now.   Pray for God’s guidance if you believe, or follow your gut instinct day to day in your mission to find a better means of support, then eventually things will fall into place.   If you don’t make moves to leave your hostile workplace soon, your bully will kill you and I mean that literally.   Don’t let that happen,  please… ABC

PS;  When you finally land that job of your dreams, don’t act so grateful!!   LOL!!

Bullies Who Don’t Know it and Other Bully Boss Fallacies. By, ABC

Times have changed since I first learned about the phenomenon of workplace bullying and mobbing about 5 years ago.  Back then, most of the anti-bullying literature was written in the United Kingdom and Canada.  Both countries are years (light years that is) ahead of us in the United States in regards to their general knowledge, understanding and attempts at remedies.  The Website that I have found to be the most accurate and up to date, is Bullyonline, created in the United Kingdom, by the late Tim Field, a literal pioneer and hero to targets everywhere.

As I continue my ongoing research on the subject of workplace bullying and mobbing, I have found that the number of articles and websites about the subject, originating in the United States, has increased tremendously.  I have found however, that many of these articles and sites originating in the United States, over simplify the subject, failing to dig deep enough into this complex subject, to give readers the insight and knowledge they need, to beat it.  I have found, that the advice given, is often logical, common sense tactics, that work in cases where the boss is simply arrogant and rude, but is not appropriate, and may even escalate hostilities, when used against REAL workplace bullies.  Authors of anti-bullying literature written in the United States seem to have the most trouble grasping that “workplace bullies” are different from a boss who is just rude.  They don’t understand that bullies have a level of psychopathy, making them think in ways that normal people don’t understand and that they need to be dealt with differently than the average rude boss.

One author wrote, and I quote:

“The ‘bully’ term implies they intend to do harm. In fact, this is not what I’ve found. Essentially, they are blind to the impact of their behavior on others. Generally, they don’t see it.”

This author doesn’t have an understanding of what a REAL bully boss is, made evident by making this statement which is not true of REAL bullies, but is typical of a boss who is simply arrogant, believing the importance of their position entitles them to treat subordinates as handmaidens. Their rudeness is not premeditated, and is often intensified by their stress level. They do not intend to hurt others, and often don’t realize that they are. When their bad behavior is pointed out to them, they are remorseful and apologize.

REAL bullies are so much more than simply arrogant and rude and are far from “blind to the impact of their behavior.” To the contrary, their intention is to not only to hurt their targets, but to destroy them. REAL bullies don’t apologize and are not remorseful, many having no capacity to feel empathy, at all. These facts are hard for most of us to believe because real bullies do not think in the same way as normal people.

Another example is the mistaken belief that you can resolve issues by meeting with the bully to identify problems, and ways to correct them.  It is true that this works and normal people resolve issues in this way.  But again, people need to understand that REAL bullies don’t think like the rest of us.  It must be remembered that, YOU CANNOT REASON WITH A BULLY!  First of all, bullies rarely have valid issues against their targets and they have no desire to resolve issues.  Their only desire is to create conflict for their targets as well as to socially isolate, control, subjugate and to eventually destroy and remove them from the workplace.

Make no mistake about it, REAL bully bosses are in a class all their own and worthy of entirely different approaches.  Make sure you know what you are dealing with and the diffrence, before confronting a potentially REAL bully boss.                                                  By ABC

Life After Office Mobbing – A Fresh Perspective. By Patrick Maina

Patrick Maina - Positive Words of Encouragement

Life After Office Mobbing – A Fresh Perspective.

By Patrick Maina

Article Commentary by ABC

HAPPY NEW YEAR!   Here is an excellent idea for your 2009 New Year’s Resolution:  Resolve to channel the energy of your anger against bullies into positive action this year.    Read the four step plan below and learn how you can fulfill your destiny and win the war of life despite lost battles.  Do you have a bigger purpose in life?  Read about this and more in the following article written by Patrick Maina, a reader of this weblog.  Patrick originally wrote this article as a “comment” in response to the article “Revenge, Getting Back at The Bully Boss”.  With Patrick’s permission, I am presenting his “comment” as a feature article to insure that all my readers can easily find his words.  Patrick has a very positive perspective, that I wouldn’t want anyone to miss.      Read “Author’s Bio” at the end of his article to read more about Patrick.

Patrick Maina, on December 31st, 2008 at 9:33 am Said:

Fellow Victims,

Revenge against past bullies will only consume your remaining energy and possibly backfire to hurt you or your family even more. You will learn nothing from revenge – hence you will still be open to future attacks from smarter, wealthier and more powerful mobs or bullies.

That said, don’t suppress or deny your anger. List all the accusations on paper. It’s painful – but list them all. Let the anger grow inside you. Feel it. Let it burn inside you. How could they even dare say what they said? You want to do something, anything to make them pay – right? You feel energized – right? GOOD. Keep reading.

NOW channel all that energy to positive action that will benefit YOU. Yes, that’s right, action that will result in something good for you.

First make a plan:

1. Keep that list of false accusations somewhere you can see it every day. It’s going to be your source of “fire”.

2. Take stock of your positive things and your strengths. Don’t look at negatives – you’ve had enough already. Try and think beyond your career. Are you good at organizing parties (Event management)? did you successfully juggle a job, motherhood, marriage/boyfriend (Time management skills!)? Have you raised children who are on their way to success (leadership / mentoring / counseling skills) etc…

3. What do you really enjoy doing? Is it related to your past job? Most people are extremely adept when it comes to their hobbies. What they don’t know is that others can pay for their skills! Can you bake a pie like no one else? Are you into Art? Can you sing? etc. Losing a job can be an OPPORTUNITY to do what you love!

4. Still prefer employment? Update your CV and make it a daily Job to find a Job. i.e. get up every morning and spend 8 hours looking for a job. Every day. Try freelance and short term assignments in related areas. It doesn’t have to be the job you used to do.

Example: As someone who has been bullied before, I am contemplating doing seminars about the effect of bullying to HR managers. You could team up with a professional speaker and be the “walking case study”.

Remember, what doesn’t destroy you only makes you stronger!

In strategy, a good general can differentiate between a battle and a war. You can lose a battle – and still win the war. Focus on the war (your life) and learn from the lost battle (your lost job).

Historically some of the greatest people on earth were victims of bullying or mobbing. Jesus Christ was mobbed and crucified – and he was God’s son. Moses had to run from Egypt after confronting a bully. Daniel was sexually harassed and thrown into jail on false accusations. Job was bullied and harassed by Satan. Noah was ridiculed and psychologically harassed when he built the ark.. the list is endless!

Yet these “victims” were great people specially chosen by God for a BIGGER PURPOSE IN LIFE. They lost many small battles – but eventually, they won the WAR.

Channel the anger and hate into positive action. They wanted to shatter your confidence – be MORE CONFIDENT THAN EVER! They suggested you are incompetent – be even BETTER at what you do. Never put yourself down.

One day, after you fulfill your destiny, you will look back and realize that despite losing many battles.. you WON the war… and ultimately, that’s what really counts.

Do you like what you just read? Do you agree with the suggestions? Good. Now, don’t start immediately. Treat yourself to a HOLIDAY for the next 3 days – starting tomorrow. Spend time with you and your closest loved ones. Doesn’t have to involve spending. Quality time is what matters. even reading your favorite book or arranging your favorite flowers or playing music… Just forget your troubles and enjoy like never before. Soldiers do this before battle.

Then on 4th Jan., wake up early and start working on your plan for WINNING the war! It will be hard – but as long as you have your list of “accusations” every morning, you will have some fire to channel to positive action in your life.

God Bless!

Author’s bio and more thoughts from Patrick Maina

Patrick Maina is East African, born, raised and educated in Kenya. His interests include reading useful non-fiction books, software enginering, electronics, watching movies with intelligent/unpredictable plots, African theatre, danceable music, dance, media production, travel, nature, hanging out with friends….and so on.

He does not describe himself in terms of his profession. This is deliberate, he explains by writing, “Many people allow their professions to define who they are and their worth in society. This self-labeling is the biggest mistake someone can make. Bullies are aware if this and thats why they easily humiliate people. The bully/mob uses the victim’s career/job as ammunition for his sadistic goals – to crush the victim PERSONALLY.

If you believe *and know* that your job only represents 1% of WHO YOU ARE and what you are WORTH, most of the bully/mob tactics will just “bounce off” you with little or no effect.”

More Thoughts – Patrick writes;

Several times I have been asked to “prove myself” to a new internal customer who doubts my capabilities. Hmmm… Reasons for doubting? Well.. it’s just a gut feeling he/she has that I might not deliver hence he/she is not comfortable with me on the driving seat…

Wow.

Apparently, passing my interview, having a solid track record within the organization, and consistently delivering all my earlier projects on time, within budget and to expected quality levels, does not count to some people.

Cheers!

Patrick.

Proud to be a Target by ABC

PROUD TO BE A TARGET by ABC

I have a typical “Target” personality and therefore have been a target of work place Bullying 4 times in my adult life. The only differences between my first and current bully and the others is; different job / different bully. This time around, I finally noticed that the behaviors / tactics were almost identical as if these people went to a class to learn it or they some how knew each other. I called it “leading by intimidation” before I came across the word “Bullying” on the Internet about 5 years ago.

Now that I’ve learned so much on the Internet and from the posts of my anti-bullying groups, I feel WONDERFUL! I am a “Target” and PROUD to be one. If you need a boost to your ego, just read one of the lists of “characteristics” of a “target” on any of the anti-bullying sites. We are all very special people WORTHY of our Bullys’ attention through our above average performance and popularity with coworkers. We are actually a threat to those who bully us by our competence that out shines theirs. One site described “Targets” as the “salt of the earth”!

Click on the links below to read articles on bullyonline that explain – why me?

http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/myths.htm

http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/vulnerab.htm
I hope this reading leaves you uplifted and PROUD TO BE A TARGET!. Sincerely ABC